


Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody: Reverse/Rebirth

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [5]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Humor, Parody, Referential Humor, Screenplay/Script Format, This One's Pretty Short You Guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-08 05:43:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5485736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><strong>It Is Impossible For Me To Own Any Of This Shit:</strong> Berserk outtakes, Super Best Friends Play, <em>Star Trek: The Next Generation, Harry Potter,</em> Dragonball Z The Abridged Series, <em>Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater,</em> To Boldly Flee, <em>Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Archer,</em> A Very Potter Musical, <em>Game of Thrones,</em> A Very Potter Sequel, <em>Wizard of Oz,</em> and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. DARKNESS! IMPRISONING ME!

**Author's Note:**

> **It Is Impossible For Me To Own Any Of This Shit:** Berserk outtakes, Super Best Friends Play, _Star Trek: The Next Generation, Harry Potter,_ Dragonball Z The Abridged Series, _Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater,_ To Boldly Flee, _Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Archer,_ A Very Potter Musical, _Game of Thrones,_ A Very Potter Sequel, _Wizard of Oz,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

 **Riku:** *is floating in a foggy abyss or something as he wakes up* …The fuck is this place. Oh, please don’t let this be Silent Hill…

 **Mysterious voice:** Stay asleep.

 **Riku:** …Well I can’t _now!_ *jerks upright…somehow* And who are you anyway?

 **Voice:** You should stay asleep between light and darkness.

 **Riku:** You make no sense. Wait! The king! I was with him after we closed that door at the end of Kingdom Hearts I! And after that…I have no memory of what happened after that.

 **Voice:** You sort of…drifted here by yourself, seeing as you weren’t strong enough to overcome the darkness. Or…maybe you were close to it. Close to the darkness itself or close to beating it, it’s unclear.

 **Riku:** What do you think I am, some kind of monster?

 **Voice:** Just close your eyes. Stay here, surrounded by darkness, where it’ll be easier for you to sleep.

 **Riku:** This isn’t darkness, it’s…grayness. Also why am I floating.

 **Voice:** GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!

 **Riku:** No, first answer me: Why am I trapped in this nightmare-ish, nonsensical hellscape?

 **Voice:** Eh, it’s best not to think about it. Just relax. Sleep for all eternity. Nothing bad is gonna hurt you. There’s nothing bad in this world.

 **Riku:** …Oh yeah, a really deep and creepy voice telling me to go back to sleep’ll _definitely_ make me relax enough to do so and won’t jolt me awake in any way.

 **Voice:** Well okay then.

 **Riku:** THAT WAS SARCASM, CHILDREN.

 **Voice:** Okay, fine, I’ll give you a choice. *makes a card appear in a bright flash of light in front of Riku.

 **Riku:** Gah! That hurt! And that’s not me shying away from the light in favor of darkness as metaphors for shying away from being good in favor of being evil; that is me being _concerned_ for the state of my retinas. Also what even is this.

 **Voice:** It is a door to the truth.

 **Riku:** …No, it’s a card.

 **Voice:** That can _open_ a door to the truth.

 **Riku:** Then just _say_ that, why you gotta be so confusing.

 **Voice:** Just get on with the plot already, these people don’t have all day. But if you do, you’ll go through some pretty painful character development. Are you sure you want that? You’ll apparently never sleep again if you do.

 **Riku:** FUCK YEAH I WANNA BE AN ANTAGONISTIC CHARACTER WHO FUCKING _REDEEMS HIMSELF_ AND _ACCEPTS THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS FUCKING ACTIONS!_ *grabs card* Also this place is boring, gimme plot.

 **Voice:** Good for you.

 **Card:** *glows brightly*

 **Riku:** Aaaand now I’m in a white room. Fuck, this isn’t a hospital, is it?

 **Door:** *exists*

 **Riku:** *looks at card* This picture looks like the castle in Hollow Bastion. I wonder if that’s indicative of anything… *walks up to the door which is the only way forward since there isn’t even a door behind him* Again with the five floating cards when only one is available. *uses only available card*

 **Hollow Bastion:** *is fucking gorgeous, as per usual*

 **Riku:** …Why am I in Hollow Bastion right now?

 **Floating text appearing out of nowhere:** What you see is not real. It’s a holodeck simulation created from your memory.

 **Riku:** Where’s that text coming from? And how the balls does that even work?

 **Floating text:** The things you remember from your time as Maleficent’s servant became a card, and that card made this floor plan. Isn’t it exactly how it was while you lived here?

 **Riku:** Damn I gotta learn Occlumency…So what now? Is there some sort of life lesson you want to teach me? Am I gonna meet someone from my past? Is this like a Christmas Carol thing where they won’t even know I’m there?

 **Floating text:** No, they’ll be able to see you, and you will be able to beat them up.

 **Riku:** Why?

 **Floating text:** *is silent*

 **Riku:** HEY! I’M TALKING TO YOU, MYSTERIOUS VOICE IN THE SKY THAT ONLY I CAN HEAR oh fuck I hope I’m the only one here right now.

 **Floating text:** *has gone away completely*

 **Riku:** …Well fuck you too, then. But it better be you I run across next, Weird Floating Text. *sashays off like a boss after receiving the Key of Beginnings card* Welp, time to fight a bunch of enemies, I guess. *starts fighting a bunch of enemies and making his way through the level* You know, I was annoyed at first that I wasn’t given a tutorial on how cards work. I mean sure, people presumably JUST finished playing Sora’s storyline and therefore know the card system almost _too_ well, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that _I’d_ psychically know what I was doing. And then I rationalized the lack of tutorial as me easily being able to figure out and work with whatever I’m given, which in turn implies that I’m five million times smarter than Sora. I can work with this. *clears out floor while reducing the cards needed to open all the doors in the level, and also taking a closer look at the main menu options*

 **D Report:** I am a thing.

 **Riku:** …Okay so who the fuck is writing this D Report, and if it’s me then why am I writing in third person.

 **D Report:** Because it’s easier to talk about if you distance yourself from it?

 **Riku:** I guess, but still, what’s the point?

 **D Report:** If someone takes a break for months and forgets what happened so far, this is a great way to get caught back up with everything.

 **Riku:** Except then people still restart the game anyway because they’re rusty at the actual gameplay aspect.

 **D Report:** …Shaddup!

 **Riku:** Whatever, I’m never gonna read you anyway. *uses first cutscene room card and finds himself in a closed-off room* Everything really IS exactly the same. Aside from the fact that the route I took to get here was completely different, I didn’t need cards to get into different areas, and I didn’t have to play Duel Monsters with the Heartless.

 **Floating text:** It must be nice to be back in this cozy little room of yours. Think of all the lovely memories you created here.

 **Riku:** Oh so _now_ you’re back. And those memories weren’t that lovely. In fact, I feel nothing but guilt over them, especially since this room was given to me by Maleficent.

 **Floating text:** Indeed. And you lived here, with this pretty comfy looking bed and this pretty nice desk that I can see is made of mahogany.

 **Riku:** Oh no.

 **Floating text:** And not just _any_ mahogany! But mahogany from the planet of Malchior Seven! Where the trees are three hundred feet tall and breathe _fire!_ From these trees this desk was forged two thousand years ago, using ancient blood rituals of the Malchior people! Not only did this make your desk nigh indestructible, but it can _bend the fabric of the universe itself!_ Also it’s a very fine material. Very expensive.

 **Riku:** Oy vey—

 **Floating text:** Mahogany.

 **Riku:** Of course we had to include this reference…

 **Floating text:** Also something about Maleficent tempting you to darkness or something. You cast away your family and friends, just so you could be cooped up alone in this room.

 **Riku:** Oh fuck off, you have no idea what Tidus and Wakka are like, of course I wanted to cut myself off from them. I do regret losing everyone else in the process, though, and of course I regret our planet exploding; as annoying as those two were I didn’t want them to _die._ *runs out of the room to the next cutscene room, where he appears on the balcony of one of the main rooms inside the castle* No one here either. There’s nothing but Heartless and that stupid floating text in this castle. Did the text lie to me or something? *jumps down* I love having no fall damage. Anyway. YO! TEXT! Either I’m going insane or you’re actually a thing, so talk back to me already! Where the balls is everyone from my memories?

 **Floating text:** Are you _suuuuure_ you want to see them?

 **Riku:** Anything for actual human contact!

 **Floating text:** That’s not what you said last game. You threw them away, remember?

 **Riku:** That was last game. I’ve realized my mistake/stopped being possessed and wish to have another chance!

 **Floating text:** Here, let me sum up your development from the previous game for those who didn’t buy the HD Remix and thus haven’t played the first game in years or something. But basically you threw away everything you ever held dear just so you could chase the power of darkness.

 **Riku:** Because I thought it would help me save a friend! And when it didn’t _I realized my mistake_ and stopped using that, too!

 **Floating text:** Exactly. Which means now you have nothing. Your heart doesn’t know how to hold onto anything. It’s completely empty and will never be filled. Also I’m apparently implying you have amnesia and won’t be seeing anyone from your past because you can’t remember them.

 **Riku:** But this isn’t Sora’s storyline in this game; I can remember everything perfectly!

 **Floating text:** I know, that was worded poorly on my part. What I’m trying to say is that darkness is the only thing that remains in your heart.

 **Riku:** I _just said_ that I don’t anymore!

 **Floating text:** Yeah you do.

 **Riku:** Do not!

 **Floating text:** Do to.

 **Riku:** Do not!

 **Floating text:** Do to.

 **Riku:** Do not!

 **Floating text:** Do to.

 **Riku:** Do not!

 **Floating text:** Do to.

 **Riku:** Do not!

 **Floating text:** Do to.

 **Riku:** Do not!

 **Floating text:** Do to.

 **Riku:** Do not!

 **Floating text:** Do to.

 **Riku:** Oh fuck off. *runs off again and the next cutscene has him enter the room where Sora first fought Maleficent last game* HAY GURL!

 **Maleficent:** ‘Bout fucking time, bitch boy!

 **Riku:** Wait, how are you even alive? I ask knowing full well that these are memories from my past and therefore I should _not_ be this confuzzled.

 **Maleficent:** Seriously. I’m just a hologram or something.

 **Riku:** Aww, but why couldn’t it be someone cool instead of you?

 **Maleficent:** Oh fuck off. Also you’re only gonna meet evil people for the most part. It’s all part of the darkness theme that I’m sure isn’t grating thin on anyone at all. Though since this is all a part of your personal character growth, maybe the players’ll actually let it slide this time.

 **Riku:** I highly doubt it.

 **Maleficent:** So do I. But hey, at least I’m good company, right? It would be either me or no one, after all.

 **Riku:** *actual dialogue* That’s sounding pretty good right about now.

 **Maleficent:** Really? After everything I’ve done for you?

 **Riku:** After everything you _made_ me do? Yes. I only regret that it took me so long to realize you were using me the whole time. I never would’ve accepted that power if I understood the cost of using it. *walks right by Maleficent* I’ll never become your puppet again. And if I’m really only stuck with seeing evil people this entire game, then I guess I’ll just murder every last one of you! Killing isn’t evil in the slightest, apparently! Besides, you’re not even real, so technically it’s not actually murder!

 **Maleficent:** Then don’t forget to kill yourself at the end of your journey, since you’re just as bad as we are.

 **Riku:** …Or we could, you know, _not_ encourage suicide.

 **Maleficent:** Please. It would be a heroic sacrifice. That’s really the only way many a villain can redeem themselves, after all.

 **Riku:** I _do_ kind of consider myself a villain…But I want to spend the rest of my life rejecting that side of me. And to see someone like you embrace it, for no other reason than for the sheer fuck of it, really rubs me the wrong way. I mean, at least have a decent motivation or something! Don’t be evil just for the sake of being evil, that’s boring and is just an example of bad writing! And I’m done talking now, just let me kill you.

 **Maleficent:** Oh, how conflicted you must feel right now. It’s delicious…Okay, let’s fight to the death, I guess. *erupts into green flames* I am a dragon now. Fear me.

 **Riku:** I do not. *starts to slash at her face, using the gimmick card whenever it’s necessary* BOY do I like reloading my deck instantaneously! *snags card* Can’t wait to never use this! *heads to the Conqueror’s Respite* I hate that I’m programmed to slash at everything with my sword when I won’t be getting any cards or Moogle Points whatsoever, only health ball things, which is pointless because there’s a fucking save point at the top of this ladder. Better quit the habit soon. *bursts into song*  
 _What a thrill…_  
 _With darkness and silence through the night_  
 _What a thrill…_  
*exits world level thing*

 **Voice:** Why do you shun the darkness?

 **Riku:** WERE YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THAT ENTIRE THING WITH MALEFICENT.

 **Voice:** Darkness is still a good weapon of choice for you. It’s time you learned to accept it and to use it properly.

 **Riku:** I don’t wanna.

 **Voice:** Resistance is futile. *black and purple portal appears and recedes to reveal Ansem’s Heartless* ‘Sup. Be my slave again, would you?

 **Riku:** Called it! Also no.

 **Ansem:** How the fuck did you know it was me?!

 **Riku:** Your voice may have changed, but your character remains the same. Plus all you can talk about is darkness. It’s like the one thing you even know exists and can talk about. It’s so _boring_ and convoluted and no one even cares and it’s basically just a joke to the entire fanbase at this point, and that’s even before there were seven games in the series. And I’m betting that you want to possess me again.

 **Ansem:** Wow, I must be transparent. Well, how ‘bout you comply, then? Compliance will be rewarded.

 **Riku:** NO I WILL NOT LET YOU HAVE MY BODY!

 **Ansem:** Hey! Phrasing! I do _not_ mean it like that!

 **Riku:** And there’s no way I’m going to trust that! *summons Soul Eater and goes to slash at Ansem*

 **Ansem:** *creates an invisible shield in his hand that blasts Riku backwards and onto his ass* Nice try, asswipe. You couldn’t even defeat Sora, and that’s when you were using your powers of darkness.

 **Riku:** All the more reason for me to shun the darkness, the power of light is clearly stronger.

 **Ansem:** N-No it’s not! Darkness is _totally_ better, just surrender to it! *walks menacingly forward* It is unavoidable. It is your destiny.

 **Riku:** No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it.

 **Ansem:** You’ll only be able to become strong if you harness the darkness!

 **Mickey:** No he won’t!

 **Riku:** …Wait, what?

 **Bright light:** *floats around Riku*

 **Riku:** King Mickey, what’re _you_ doing here?!

 **Mickey:** *bursts into song*  
 _Baby, you’re not alone!_  
 _‘Cause you’re here with me!_  
 _And nothing’s ever gonna take us down_  
 _‘Cause nothing can keep me from loving you_  
 _And you know it’s true!_  
 _It don’t matter what’ll come to be,_  
 _Our love is all we need to make it through_

 **Riku:** *watches the light disappear into his chest* Aww, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now!

 **Mickey:** The light will never give up on you, Riku! And by extension, neither will I! No matter how far you fall into darkness, I will always be there to pull you back out again!

 **Riku:** …I see why you’re a beloved childhood icon now, man. *gets up* What do we say to the god of death?

 **Ansem:** Uh…

 **Riku:** *grips Soul Eater tighter* Not today.

 **Ansem:** You really think that tiny ball of light will be able to save you?

 **Riku:** Yep.

 **Ansem:** Oh. Well…it can’t.

 **Riku:** O RLY.

 **Ansem:** YAH RLY. You didn’t even get it from a Deluminator!

 **Riku:** Whatever, we fight now.

 **Weird Heartless thing that was attached to Ansem last game:** ‘Sup.

 **Ansem:** THE DARKNESS IS EVERYWHERE AND I WILL HELP YOU TO FEEL IT.

 **Riku:** …None of what you say ever seems to come out right.

 **Tutorial:** Remember how to do card breaks?

 **Riku:** Yeah…

 **Tutorial:** Well if you do it quick enough, you get an attack boost.

 **Riku:** Oh, nice.

 **Ansem:** Enjoying the tutorial portion that came like an entire level too late?

 **Riku:** Not particularly. I know my fighting style’s different to Sora’s, but I still don’t really feel this is needed.

 **Tutorial:** But you can get into mini-duels with card values if your card value equals his card value, and then just beat his card value three to seven times so you can attack for massive damage.

 **Riku:** Wow, this’ll really involve some strategy when I go to build my deck—

 **Tutorial:** No, you have no control over your deck in this section.

 **Riku:** …That kind of blows.

 **Tutorial:** Yes it does.

 **Ansem:** And now the battle’s over.

 **Riku:** …Was that it? _That_ was _it?!_

 **Ansem:** You appear to be intent on resisting the darkness for some reason. This is brand new information to me.

 **Riku:** Why, whatever gave you that idea?

 **Ansem:** When you told me that you are intent on resisting the darkness.

 **Riku:** What a marvelous display, I’m very impressed.

 **Ansem:** I know, right?! Here, have some more holodeck levels. *holds up a card* And the more levels you go through and the more villains you take down, the more you’ll be reliant on the darkness just to survive, and the more you’ll truly see how much you need it.

 **Riku:** Uh-huh, sure. Just give me the card so I can prove to you that I don’t need to rely on you for power, as long as I’m able to level up my own abilities and not be reliant on Sora’s place in the story.

 **Ansem:** *throws him the card*

 **Riku:** *catches card* Weird how we can always catch these things really easily, isn’t it.

 **Ansem:** Kinda, yeah. Also have a present you don’t want.

 **Black hole:** *appears in Riku’s chest*

 **Riku:** …Why.

 **Ansem:** Why’d I increase the darkness in your heart? Because I’m an asshole, that’s why. It’s not like you _have_ to use it or anything, even though I know you will. Disapparate!

 **Riku:** Ah, magic! *learns D mode, a.k.a. Dark Mode, a.k.a. that evil costume he had from last game that apparently grants him evil powers whenever he magically puts it on or something* YAY MORE LEVEL CARDS. I think I recognize most of these, as well. Can’t wait to have more character development as I go through everything and regret all of my past actions! *runs up the stairs*

~Wouldn’t that have been interesting.~

 **Zexion:** I exist. Actually technically I don’t. It’s all so confusing…

 **Lexaeus:** *Apparates in in silence*

 **Zexion:** Hello to you, too.

 **Lexaeus:** Shut up, I don’t want to give the fangirls more ammunition to pair us together.

 **Zexion:** We’re in the Organization and we hang out together. We’re already screwed.

 **Vexen:** *Apparates in* Oh how sorry I feel for you two.

 **Lexaeus:** No you don’t.

 **Vexen:** No I don’t. Also what’s even going on down here.

 **Zexion:** Does no one know how to greet people around here? Sometimes I miss Axel. It’s like we’re not even in the same group anymore, and that really makes me sad.

 **Vexen:** HOW DARE YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME.

 **Zexion:** …I was using a tone?

 **Vexen:** YOU ARE ONLY NUMBER SIX AND ARE THEREFORE SO FAR DOWN BELOW ME THAT YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO LICK MY BOOTS.

 **Zexion:** Stop yelling out your number as if it’s your rank or somehow makes you more important, Saïx is the Superior’s right-hand man and you know it.

 **Lexaeus:** Seriously, Vexen, for the love of Merlin, just shut the fuck up.

 **Vexen:** …You’re bigger than me and I’m afraid of you.

 **Lexaeus:** Good boy. *turns to Zexion* So what the balls is even going on.

 **Zexion:** We’ve got company. I can smell two people in the very lowest areas of the castle.

 **Lexaeus:** …You a fucking bloodhound or something?

 **Zexion:** Dude, shut up, one of them was Maleficent, we should probably take this seriously.

 **Vexen:** Ding dong, the bitch is dead, though. She can’t miraculously return to life through the power of crows and idiotic fairies.

 **Zexion:** LET ME _FINISH!_ It wasn’t actually her, it was just a double of her. Like how Roxas smells like Sora even though he isn’t Sora except that he is. But since the double’s also deaded, I can’t really tell what’s going on anymore. The second visitor murdered her.

 **Lexaeus:** And who’s the other guy?

 **Zexion:** Bugger if I know. I just know he smells like the big boss man.

 **Vexen:** Like Number One and yet not Number One?

 **Zexion:** …That was my implication, yes.

 **Vexen:** And now I actually want to get involved.

 **Lexaeus:** Damn it, Zexion.

 **Zexion:** What? I didn’t know he’d be interested! We have to focus on this next problem of what the fuck now, anyway.

 **Lexaeus:** Let’s just wait until he advances a level before making any further plans.

 **Zexion:** M’kay.

 **Vexen:** I’m down.

~YAY MORE ORGANIZATION MEMBERS. THAT WE WILL NEVER SEE AFTER THIS GAME SO TREASURE THEM WHILE YOU HAVE THEM.~


	2. ALL THAT I SEE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **No Really There’s No Way I Could Possibly Own All This Shit:** Berserk Outtakes, _Spongebob Squarepants, Harry Potter, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Gurren Lagann,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater,_ Berserk Abridged, Dragonball Z Abridged, Super Best Friends Play, A Very Potter Sequel, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And now to condense a shitton of worlds into one chapter because BARELY ANYTHING HAPPENS IN THIS FUCKING GAME.~

 **Riku:** *walks up the stairs and stops on the next floor* …Do you smell it? That smell…A kind of smelly smell…The smelly smell that smells… _smelly._ *gasps* IT SMELLS LIKE DARKNESS. Wait…Okay, seriously, what the fuck is _darkness_ supposed to smell like? _Irises?!_ And it’s in my skin—URGH! I need a shower. One that never fucking stops.

 **Mickey:** I’m floating above you again!

 **Riku:** How do you keep doing that? Also I thought you were inside me right now.

 **Mickey:** Not quite. *lands his ball of light on the floor where it transforms into a transparent Mickey Mouse that smiles up at Riku*

 **Riku:** …Did you, like, die, at the end of the last game? Why’d you choose to come back as a ghost?

 **Mickey:** No, I’m alive, but I can only send a bit of my power to this place for some reason. So can you do a thing for me?

 **Riku:** If I can. What is it?

 **Mickey:** Look, the darkness has a hold of you, and you’ll have to fight it. It’ll be a bitch, I know, but as long as you don’t lose sight of who you are as a person, you should be okay. Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

 **Riku:** I’m not overly fond of that movie either.

 **Mickey:** I know, but that quote is perfect for this situation, you have to admit.

 **Riku:** And we _did_ see a light within the darkness, didn’t we.

 **Mickey:** Yep! Those Heartless’ eyes sure can glow, can’t they? Also something about a metaphor for hope or whatever, who cares, it’s not important. The light of Kingdom Hearts will show you the way. Buy them. Buy the games. Buy all of the games on all of the consoles. Do it. Do it, buy the games.

 **Riku:** I have all seven of them that were currently available at the time that this parody was written. Technically. Two of them are movies.

 **Mickey:** PERFECT. Just believe in the heart of the cards and there won’t be anything you can’t accomplish.

 **Riku:** …I know this game revolves around card games, but don’t you want me to believe in hope and light and the ability to be good and all that happy horse shit?

 **Mickey:** Sure, whatever.

 **Riku:** M’kay.

 **Mickey:** And maybe I’ll be able to physically catch up with you by the end of the game. *holds out his hand to shake Riku’s*

 **Riku:** That would be nice, I would like that. *hand goes right through Mickey’s* I AM JUST GETTING THE FACT THAT YOU AREN’T REALLY HERE.

 **Mickey:** And now I’m just getting why you’re such good friends with Sora…

 **Riku:** What?

 **Mickey:** Nothing! Nothing…We shook hands in our hearts. Or something cheesy like that. We’re basically married.

 **Riku:** …Eh. I can live with that.

 **Mickey:** *fades from existence*

 **Riku:** …Now what. *shrugs and activates the Agrabah world* Okay, no opening cutscene, that’s weird. Just straight into combat, I guess.

 **Mickey:** I am now a card! Depending on when you play me, I can stun Heartless while simultaneously healing you, which is _really_ good since you don’t have any Cure magic, or if I’m at the end of a sleight we can spin around and murder everything together. But not for very long, though, sorry about that.

 **Riku:** This. Sounds. AWESOME. And I just noticed that there’s only one event room, that’s weird. *works on clearing out floor*

 **Game:** Conglaturations, you have now broken so many cards that the value of the cards you have broken is equal to thirty. You may now turn evil for a small period of time.

 **Riku:** …So I have absolutely no choice in this?

 **Mickey:** WHO CARES, LOOK HOW LONG OUR COMBO ATTACK LASTS WHEN YOU’RE EVIL.

 **Riku:** You…You’re still gonna help me despite my evilness?

 **Mickey:** Of course I will! I’m your friend, aren’t I? Just believe in the me who believes in you!

 **Riku:** …Done and done! *cheerfully activates the event room*

 **Genie Jafar:** What’s up, are you mad at me?

 **Iago:** *squacks and flies around with Jafar’s lamp* Piece of shit!

 **Riku:** … *follows Iago around and bashes him until Jafar’s defeated and takes his card* …This is it? Just go through the level and fight Jafar and fuck off? No guilt over my part in the kidnapping of Princess Jasmine? No generic “Come to the dark side, we have cookies” from Jafar? Just…fight dudes? Dafuq’s the point of this bullshit if I’m not going to get at least some form of character development from this? Is this just to make me level up? To start using my Dark form so Ansem can judge me for it later? Well guess what, Shitlord, I can still Summon the king to help me while I’m in my Dark form, and not only does our attack last longer and look five million times more badass, but he doesn’t judge me for it at all and still helps me whenever I need him. So Imma stick with him and call this whole effort a giant waste of time, m’kay? M’kay. *heads to Conqueror’s Respite and climbs the ladder while singing again*  
 _I’m searching and I’ll melt into you_  
 _What a fear in my heart_  
*exits area* Aaaand nothing. Up the stairs I go, then!

~I wonder what the Organization members actually talk about in their spare time.~

 **Lexaus:** And then he points his finger at the army of gunmen and says, “Bang,” and falls lifeless to the stairs.—

 **Vexen:** *pacing* What did that have to do with anything?!

 **Lexaus:** Oh nothing, it’s just a really cool scene.

 **Zexion:** Shut up, both of you, I just figured out that I’ve been smelling Riku this whole time.

 **Vexen:** He finally broke free of the realm of darkness? When Aqua couldn’t after ten years?

 **Zexion:** Iunno. I almost thought there were two of them.

 **Vexen:** And that’s why you thought he was the Superior?

 **Zexion:** Exactly. It’s almost as if he’s continuously played host to the Superior’s Heartless or something.

 **Vexen:** Maybe they’re using the same cologne?

 **Lexaeus and Zexion:** …

 **Vexen:** *while munching on some of his homemade pickles* I’ve actually been meaning to ask something: Is this room being all shadowy and darker and crap symbolic of how this section of gameplay is more shadowy and darker and crap?

 **Zexion:** Stop reading into shit that isn’t there.

 **Vexen:** Fine, fine. I suppose Riku was able to escape by using the powers of darkness, something that Aqua refuses to use so of course she’d still be trapped there, I guess.

 **Zexion:** I just want to know what he’s even doing here, of all places.

 **Vexen:** Because he’s intrinsically linked to another hero…Crap baskets, I just called Riku a hero. I don’t think he really counts as one just yet…Eh.

 **Zexion:** Wait, Sora’s in the castle?

 **Lexaeus:** Why are we always the last to know?

 **Vexen:** Well he did just get here, so…Oh, and Marluxia’s already using Naminé to fuck with him. He is one creepy dude, that guy.

 **Lexaeus:** Hello, Pot, my name is Kettle. You’re black.

 **Zexion:** Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you saying Marluxia might have bi-curious tendencies?

 **Vexen:** *facepalm*

 **Lexaeus:** Wow, you’re not the sharpest sword in the armory, are you, Zexion.

 **Zexion:** My weapon’s a fucking dictionary, leave me alone.

 **Vexen:** Anyway, Marluxia’s kind of dumb as well. Sora’s not a very interesting character. He’s all smiles and happiness and cheesy lines, and he has to hang out with Donald and Goofy all the time. No, what people are really interested in is the angsty loners with complex stories and who are actually bishounen instead of the generic happy-go-lucky spiky-haired protagonist of most Japanese shounen media.

 **Lexaeus:** That’s great, but Riku can’t use the Keyblade yet, and we need that power so we can collect hearts, build Kingdom Hearts, and gain hearts of our own. Thus, our need for Sora.

 **Zexion:** It _is_ the entire point of the Organization, or at least the version the Superior wants us to believe or whatever.

 **Vexen:** Yes, but that shit barely makes any sense whatsoever, I like my idea better.

~But enough plot for right now, I guess.~

 **Riku:** …Still nothing? Really? Meh. *uses Monstro card* Huh, you’d think I’d have traumatizing flashbacks about this place and how badly I betrayed Sora, but you’d be wrong.

 **Mickey:** Why is Inverse Burst the best move ever.

 **Riku:** Probably because it’s the best move ever. *clears out floor and basically uses boss card, it’s not even an event card anymore* Hey cool, I finally get to fight the boss I fought together with Sora. _Which I should be flashbacking to right now._

 **Mickey:** Something about only coming across villains even though seeing the good people you believe you hurt would still add to your guilt and growth as a character.

 **Riku:** Then why is that Donald guy not here, then.

 **Mickey:** HA!

 **Parasite Cage:** *is defeated*

 **Riku:** I’m surprised the stomach acid didn’t dissolve my shoes completely. *heads to Conqueror’s Respite and sings as he climbs the ladder*  
 _But you’re so supreeeeeme_  
 _I give my liiiiife_  
 _Not for honor_  
 _But for yooooouuuu (Snake Eater)_  
…Why do I get the feeling that this is all going a little too fast. *saves and exits*

 **Vexen:** *Apparates in front of him* I take it you’re Riku.

 **Riku:** Nope, I’m Tifa.

 **Vexen:** Oh, sorry, good day—Hey, wait a minute!

 **Riku:** Shut up, I wanna know if you’re involved with Ansem in some way.

 **Vexen:** Ish. Just not the guy you know. He is, but he’s not, but he kind of is, but he’s really not, but he sort of really is…He’s a Nobody, that’s who he is.

 **Riku:** I fucking hate riddles, just spell it out for me.

 **Vexen:** It’s not a riddle, he’s a guy who took Ansem’s name’s Nobody.

 **Riku:** I have no idea what you’re talking about, and even two games from now will still probably be very confused.

 **Vexen:** Look, he doesn’t belong to either the light or the darkness, more to the twilight between.

 **Riku:** So he sparkles?

 **Vexen:** No, that’s Marluxia.

 **Riku:** I do not know who this Marluxia is, but he sounds more threatening than you.

 **Vexen:** …You do realize that I’m trying to indicate that you also tread that path?

 **Riku:** …Wait, am I legitimately a Nobody?

 **Vexen:** …I actually have no idea.

 **Riku:** …Look, I know that there’s darkness left inside of me. I use quite a bit of it during random battles. And I don’t care. *summons Soul Eater* I still consider darkness to be my enemy. And so are you for refusing to take a shower!

 **Vexen:** Well what do you expect, there aren’t any showers in this damn place let alone fucking bathrooms, I’ve been holding it for hours—Oh, right, fighting. Cool.

 **Mickey:** Unlike some people I could mention, I’m actually fucking useful! INVERSE BURST FOR THE WIN!

 **Riku:** I LOVE YOU! *defeats Vexen*

 **Vexen:** Crap Baskets, I am _not_ a fan of that Dark Aura attack…

 **Riku:** DROP YOUR FUCKING SHIELD!

 **Vexen:** No. *cackles wildly* And now to talk really inorganically in order to fit the lip flaps! And darkness is still growing within you. I’m so glad I could aggravate you like this so I can gather data on it! Your clone will be my greatest creation yet, way better than that other one I made!

 **Riku:** Oh this doesn’t bode well.

 **Vexen:** Indeed! Disapparate!

 **Riku:** Ah, magic! Fuck, I hate being tricked like that… *goes upstairs and activates the Neverland section* Again with the lack of flashbacks. What the deuce. *clears out floor and activates boss room*

 **Captain Hook:** Yes, yes, yes, just little old me!

 **Mickey:** …This is starting to become tiresome, methinks.

 **Riku:** *kills him with virtually no effort because of insane overlevelling* …Seriously? I don’t even have any meaningful dialogue with the guy I spent time kidnapping Wendy and looking after Kairi with? I just Dark Break his ass a few times and move on? No character development whatsoever? I…I don’t like this game. *heads to the exit*  
 _In my tiiiiime there’ll be no one eeeeelse…_  
*exits the area and runs up the stairs* WHY ISN’T ANYTHING HAPPENING.

~Oh look, something’s happening!~

 **Zexion:** *is minding his own business*

 **Lexaeus:** *walks up to him* How do you not have amblyopia.

 **Zexion:** I’LL WEAR MY HAIR HOWEVER I WANT, YOU’RE NOT MY DAD.

 **Lexaeus:** …Just tell me what’s happening to Sora, I guess.

 **Zexion:** Naminé’s fucking with his brain as we speak. Marluxia’s plan might actually work assuming it doesn’t horribly backfire and result in his termination. I mean, sure, Sora would be useful to have in our group, but Marluxia and Larxene are kind of batshit insane and I don’t like what they’re planning.

 **Lexaeus:** How do even know all this crap anyway?

 **Zexion:** My nose is psychic like that.

 **Lexaeus:** …Kay. What about Axel? I don’t trust him either; I can never tell what he might do next.

 **Zexion:** Let’s leave it all to Vexen, I guess. He should be nearly done with his latest clone.

 **Lexaeus:** But he and Marluxia hate each other’s guts. Think of what would happen if they came to blows.

 **Zexion:** …What if they did? What if we told Vexen what we think Marluxia and Larxene are doing? If he disapproves, maybe he could take them out for us.

 **Lexaeus:** You doubt my abilities?

 **Zexion:** I doubt mine. My weapon, as previously established, is a _fucking book._

 **Lexaeus:** Touché.

~Oh look, nothing’s happening!~

 **Riku:** Traverse Town…Oh hey, I remember seeing Sora with the Keyblade for the first time in this town before being seduced to the power of darkness by Maleficent. Is that going to come up at all? No? _Why?!_ *clears out level and levels up as usual and goes to fight boss fight and stuff*

 **Guard Armor:** Hey.

 **Riku:** Hey. You die now.

 **Guard Armor:** Dick move, bro! *is dead*

 **Riku:** …Why did a heart come outta that, Soul Eater isn’t a Keyblade yet. *climbs the usual ladder*  
 _Criiiiime, it’s the way I fly to yoooouuu (Snake Eater)_  
 _I’m stiiiiiiiill in a dreeaam, Snake Eateeeeeeeeeer_  
*exits level* Finally, something’s actually happe…ning…What was in that darkness Ansem gave me?!

 **Riku Replica:** What, you sound like seeing an exact copy of you isn’t an everyday occurrence or something.

 **Riku:** I don’t usually find it to be, no.

 **Riku Replica:** Well just wait till the rest of these games.

 **Riku:** Oh boy.

 **Riku Replica:** Of course not many of them are genetically engineered clones that Vexen created, but whatever, there’s still like one other of those at least.

 **Riku:** I’m in the mindset that clones aren’t people.

 **Riku Replica:** But that doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings, you prick! You just hurted mine! I wouldn’t have done that to you! I’m not a meanie stinky doo-doo face! We may share the same looks and fighting style, but I have a way better personality by far!

 **Riku:** *eyebrow raise*

 **Riku Replica:** Also there’s another way to tell us apart.

 **Riku:** Your dick’s way smaller?

 **Riku Replica:** Yeah that, and also I doesn’t afraid of anything.

 **Riku:** Implying that I do?

 **Riku Replica:** Well yes. I’m completely fearless!

 **Riku:** …That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re brave, you know. You can only be brave _when_ you’re scared, but you face whatever you’re scared of anyway. That’s a _good_ thing to be.

 **Riku Replica:** SHUT UP! YOU’RE AFRAID OF THE DARK!

 **Riku:** That’s not the most uncommon fear, you know.

 **Riku Replica:** I still look down on you for it, though. I don’t mind being evil. *magically changes from Riku’s normal yellow and black tank top with blue pants to his evil purple, blue and red outfit with tan skirt thing* And now that I’ve changed clothes, I’ve magically gained the power to defeat you!

 **Riku:** That’s actually kind of fascinating that you have every single power that I do…EXCEPT YOU DON’T HAVE KING MICKEY ON YOUR SIDE, NOW DO YOU?!

 **Mickey:** COME AT ME, BRO!

 **Riku Replica:** Well fudge nuggets. *is kneeling on the floor*

 **Riku:** Hey, clone-boy! I thought I heard you say that you magically gained the power to defeat me by changing your outfit!

 **Riku Replica:** Well, I _was_ born yesterday. And yet I’m already strong enough to survive your onslaught. Give it time, and I’ll outclass you easily. We’ll fight again, and I’ll murder you then.

 **Riku:** Or we could just end it now and get it over with. *lunges forward*

 **Riku Replica:** *creates a dark shield with his mind that sends Riku sprawling backwards*

 **Riku:** …Where was that during our fight?!

 **Riku Replica:** Apparently I just came up with it now.

 **Riku:** How convenient.

 **Riku Replica:** Hey, that’s what you get for using Soul Eater instead of a card to attack me. Also for not using the power of darkness to equate to me. Damn, how can you not want this intoxicating power?

 **Riku:** Because that word contains the word “toxic”, which is exactly what darkness is. Not a fan, trying to quit.

 **Riku Replica:** Oh, so now that you’ve kicked your addiction, you think you can lecture the rest of us who are choosing for ourselves? Hmph. Now I _hope_ I never see you again. *runs off*

 **Riku:** Wait! Damn it, I can’t possibly follow someone who just ran up the stairs! *grumbles to himself* I’m not scared of the dark, I’m scared of turning evil! That’s a _good_ thing to be scared of! *runs up the stairs to the next floor*

~Meanwhile, Vexen, Lexaeus, and Zexion are…just sort of standing around…~

 **Vexen:** Now I’m standing, you all happy? We’re all standing up now. Bunch of jackasses, standing in a circle.

 **Lexaeus:** *smirks* I am Groot.

 **Zexion:** *snorts*

 **Vexen:** SILENCE!

 **Riku Replica:** *Apparates in* ‘Sup, nerds.

 **Vexen:** So, how’d it go?

 **Riku Replica:** Well he _did_ kick my ass, but he’s had, what, fifteen years to not suck? I’ve had a day and I’m already awesome. Plus I dealt him a cutscene blow on the way out. I’ll be able to take care of him in no time.

 **Vexen:** Cool. To continue to gain strength, mind meeting someone else I don’t particularly want hanging around and technically already cloned?

 **Riku Replica:** Sora’s in the castle? Sure, I’ve got time.

 **Vexen:** Yeeesss…I intend to make good use of you…

 **Riku Replica:** …Okay, now I’m worried. Not about Sora or other me, no, they’re cakewalks…But you’re a creepy guy.

 **Zexion:** Isn’t he, though?

 **Vexen:** Oh fuck both of you.

~What wacky shenanigans we’re privy to.~


	3. ABSOLUTE HORROR!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **You Try Owning All This, It’s Impossible:** _Berserk_ outtakes, A Very Potter Sequel, _Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, Archer, Pokémon,_ Super Best Friends Play, Dragonball Z Abridged, Starship, _The Simpsons,_ “I Can See Clearly Now,” _Harry Potter, Silent Hill 3, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Spamalot,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~I enjoy it when things actually happen, things that actually happen are fun.~

 **Riku:** *made it to the next floor* Damn it, Clone-Boy, show yourself! Are you hiding behind one of these things I never look behind or did you already run through the door and I’m just shouting at nothing?

 **Ansem’s voice:** Oh, I wouldn’t call myself _nothing_ … *Apparates in front of him* And I wouldn’t keep calling him “Clone-Boy” either, if I were you.

 **Riku:** … _But he’s a clone, though._

 **Ansem:** Yes, and right now he’s better than you. Instead of most clones trying to copy their original in most works of fiction, you should really think about copying your clone instead. He’s totally accepted the darkness, just like you used to accept me inside your body.

 **Riku:** And there’s no way that can be made to sound okay.

 **Ansem:** You’re acting more like something that’s not real, anyway. Like how you’re pretending to not be afraid of the darkness.

 **Riku:** We’ve been over this: I _am_ scared of turning into a villain again! All I want is to accept the consequences of my actions and eventually atone from them!

 **Ansem:** Exactly. On each floor so far, you’ve had to contend with the darkness inside you, desperate to not use it. Desperation is fear. You go against the darkness because it scares you.

 **Riku:** I KNOW! *summons Soul Eater and lunges at Ansem*

 **Ansem:** *pushes Riku back with invisible shield thing*

 **Riku:** *flips over and lands on his feet this time* Hey wow, it’s almost like I’m learning.

 **Ansem:** …I hate your face. *throws him the next batch of world cards* Keep going with the game, see if I care. You’ll succumb to the darkness soon enough. Disapparate!

 **Riku:** Ah, magic! Oh well, least I can progress now. *activates Atlantica section* Okay…So these cards are still being made from my memories, right? Because I’ve never been here. If I had, I’m fairly sure I would’ve chosen Ariel as one of the Princesses of Light; she’s way more of a princess than friggin’ _Alice,_ for Mickey’s sake. Come to think of it, Belle isn’t exactly a princess either, is she…Or did I just never come here because I didn’t have a half duck half octopus abomination from the depths of hell itself to turn me into a dolphin guy. Which I’m kind of cool with if that’ the case, dolphins are kind of awful…Why am I standing instead of swimming and how am I breathing underwater. *checks out map of floor* …Huh.

 **Ursula:** *bursts into song*  
 _I admit that in the past I’ve been a nasty_  
 _They weren’t kidding when they called me, well, a witch_  
 _But you’ll find that nowadays_  
 _I’ve mended all my ways_  
 _Repented, seen the light, and made a switch_  
True? Yes.

 **Riku:** Great, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do!

 **Ursula:** Cool, maybe we could work together—

 **Riku:** I apparently have no choice but to murder you.

 **Ursula:** …Dick.

 **Riku:** I know, sorry. *murders her and climbs ladder out of there*  
 _Someday you’ll go through the raaaiiin_  
 _And someday you feed on a tree froooog…_

 **Mickey:** Those lyrics are weird.

 **Riku:** Hey, I didn’t write ‘em.

 **Mickey:** We seem to be using more song lyrics than usual.

 **Riku:** I think we’re using roughly the same amount, it’s just that NOTHING ELSE IS HAPPENING so it’s more noticeable.

 **Mickey:** True, true…

 **Riku:** See what I mean? Nothing else on this floor. This is starting to get kind of boring. *heads upstairs*

~Whoa, déjà vu.~

 **Axel:** Would you just get to the point of why you actually deigned to come up here?

 **Vexen:** Thought you guys would need help. You’re all so vested in Sora, but I still don’t understand why. I was hoping to conduct an experiment to see if he really is worth any of our valuable time.

 **Larxene:** Oh good, _another_ experiment. How many do we have running now?

 **Vexen:** As many as are necessary. Experiments are what scientists do, after all.

 **Larxene:** So why did you have to attach boobs to that one experiment.

 **Axel:** Wait, he did _what?!_

 **Vexen:** N-No comment.

 **Axel:** …Whatever, I’m sure that won’t affect me in any way. Go ahead and use Sora to test out your new slave.

 **Vexen:** He’s not a slave! He’s a glorious creation that I created to…do whatever I ordered him to do without question, hmm…

 **Larxene:** Yay, we’re encouraging slave labor!

 **Vexen:** We are not!

 **Larxene:** Aw, does it hurt because it’s the truth?

 **Vexen:** A woman should know her place!

 **Larxene:** I know my foot can be placed directly into your testicles!

 **Axel:** Wait till I have a camera, I wanna show that to Roxas later. *pulls out a card* If you really wanna get involved, you’re gonna need this. *hands Vexen what is clearly the Destiny Islands world map card* A humble gift from a young man to a senior citizen. Please, entertain us as much as you wish.

 **Vexen:** Oh I will…I will… *smirks evilly*

 **Larxene:** Seriously. There is no end to your creepiness.

 **Riku Replica:** I HAVE FEET. FEAR THEM.

 **Axel and Larxene:** OH WE ARE SO AFEARED.

 **Axel:** Vexen, don’t tell me…You couldn’t get the real Riku to come along, so you made a replica? Please tell me this is some kind of joke.

 **Vexen:** I…

 **Flashback Riku:** Who’re you?

 **Flashback Vexen:** Come with me.

 **Flashback Riku:** No way.

 **Present Vexen:** …Sh-Shut up!

 **Axel:** …Anyway, as you can probably tell from the card obviously having the Destiny Islands on it, it’s the card representing Sora and Riku’s home planet.

 **Riku Replica:** So? What use are cards in this place?

 **Axel:** Oh come on, he just fought with a shitload of cards against his Original, does he not know how this place works yet?!

 **Larxene:** Shut it, you. Look, kid, if you want to be a real boy, then Naminé will be able to give you the real Riku’s memories. Then we can just replace him with you easily. Maybe she can even make you forget you’re a clone! You will be virtually identical, and maybe even we won’t be able to tell the difference! You’ll have a bigger dick and everything!

 **Riku Replica:** Oh, that’d be cool…But then how will you control me? And also if I’m the same as him, won’t I also want to reject the darkness? Fear it, even? Won’t that nullify your entire reason for making me in the first place?

 **Larxene:** *quickly* S-So what do you think, Vexen? You do want to use him to fight Sora so you won’t have to, don’t you?

 **Vexen:** Fuck off. Also yes, we must do the thing.

 **Riku Replica:** But I don’t want you to do the thing!

 **Vexen:** Sometimes, we must all do things we don’t want to do.

 **Riku Replica:** Phrasing!

 **Larxene:** *actual dialogue* Relax, kiddo. I don’t think it’s going to hurt that much!

 **Riku Replica:** _Phrasing!_ *draws Soul Eater and lunges at her*

 **Larxene:** *uses THUNDER WAVE!*

 **Riku Replica:** *is paralyzed! It can’t move!*

 **Larxene:** Oh, you actually thought you had a chance! That’s embarrassing…

 **Riku Replica:** *rubbing his chin* This must be the emotion you humans know as blood.

 **Naminé:** *sitting on a chair in the background* I’ve apparently been here this whole time. Who knew?

 **Larxene:** Hey, c’mon, look on the bright side! Naminé will be able to erase the memory of what I just did to you as well.

 **Naminé:** I really don’t like where this is going…

 **Riku Replica:** Unfortunate implications all over the fucking place… *inches away on the floor as fast as he can*

 **Larxene:** Naminé will be able to implant nothing but good, happy, non-painful memories. Who cares that they’re not actually real? You’ll be happy, and that’s all that matters.

 **Riku Replica:** No means no.

 **Larxene:** That’s what they all say. Here, have a crotch shot.

 **Riku Replica:** *arm thrown up to shield his face* NOOOOOOOOO!

~…None of that looked like an okay scene.~

 **Riku:** *activates Olympus Coliseum area* Okay, I have NEVER been here before, there was absolutely no reason for me to have ever come here. *checks map of floor* Oh, okay, that’s a relief. The previous two floors exactly the same layout, I was worried that they really had gotten that lazy. *clears out floor and heads to boss room after some time*

 **Hades:** Whoa, you really went all the way up to level 65? That…Wow. I mean, I guess if you want to artificially drag out the level…

 **Riku:** Apparently I did. *defeats him*

 **Hades:** Whoa, was my hair out?

 **Riku:** My arms are starting to hurt. *climbs ladder anyway*  
 _It’s ordeal, the trial to surviiiive_  
 _For the day we see new liiiiiight_  
Aaaand there’s still no one here. Why is it that the less people show up, the more paranoid I get? *runs upstairs*

~Hey look! People!~

 **Naminé:** *stares at feet*

 **Larxene:** Why so glum, Naminé?

 **Naminé:** Because everyone’s feet are fucking huge in this series but everyone else at least has the excuse of giant sneakers as well but I’m the only one with sandals so I’m really self-conscious about them.

 **Larxene:** Uh-huh, but are you upset about plot-related things? Like us forcing you to fuck with Sora’s memory? Little things like that?

 **Riku Replica:** Fuck off, Larxene. *enters the room and walks up to them* Naminé doesn’t want to remember Sora.

 **Larxene:** …I’m pretty sure she can speak for herself, dude.

 **Riku Replica:** No she can’t. *smiles down at Naminé* Don’t worry. You won’t have to do a thing. I’ll take care of everything so you can just keep sitting there and looking pretty. *takes out the tacky yellow star thing* I swear it on this ugly-ass piece of shit you dared me to keep with me. And now I’m gonna leave you alone with the bitch who was tormenting you. Laterz! *leaves*

 **Naminé:** …You wanna come back here and murder everyone for me, then?

 **Riku Replica:** I can’t hear you, I’m already gone.

 **Naminé:** Balls.

 **Larxene:** …Okay, I don’t think I want to know the real Riku now, if that’s what he’s like. But still, that was pretty awesome, the way you completely rewrote his entire personality like that. And the ability to use memories to transfigure cards into other objects? Fucking genius, man. JUST LIKE YOU DID WITH SORA’S GOOD LUCK CHARM THAT KAIRI GAVE HIM, AMIRITE? THAT WAY HE’LL FORGET ABOUT HER AND BECOME YOURS TO COMMAND OR WHATEVER.

 **Naminé:** Yes, thank you for explaining everything the player knew already. Also Sora won’t forget about Kairi. No matter how much I try to pile fake memories of me on top of her, that’ll just make his love for Kairi stronger. I’m only Kairi’s shadow, after all.

 **Larxene:** Urgh, just use the same lingo as everyone else and admit you’re her Nobody, kay? This series is confusing enough as it is without you making up even more words. And besides, this should be your incentive to not fuck up. This way, you’ll actually be somebody, even if you’re just replacing Kairi; you’ll be someone to Sora if no one else. That’s what you want, isn’t it?

 **Naminé:** Not really.

~Well thank Merlin for that back-up exposition; without that we would have no idea what the other half of the game, that we have to play in order to unlock this half, was ever about!~

 **Riku:** *activates Wonderland level* What the… _nine cards?!_ This is the shittiest deck ever!

 **Cards:** We left you to serve the Queen.

 **Riku:** …That’s some weird Fridge Logic right there. *struggles to clear out floor* Strong Initiative is my new favorite card. *activates boss room*

 **Trickmaster:** ‘Sup.

 **Riku:** …Again with wondering how these cards could possibly be created from my memories, considering _I’ve never seen you before._ *has to soft reset like three times in order to defeat it, not because he ran out of health but because he ran out of cards. And then health* VIVA LA DARK BREAK. *heads to Conqueror’s Respite and sings some more as he climbs the ladder*  
 _I give my liiiiife_  
 _Not for honor_  
 _But for yoooooouuuuu (Snake Eater)_  
*exits level* … _Why_ is there no one here. It’s almost like this section of gameplay was a complete fucking afterthought or something. *runs upstairs*

~Wonder where we are in the timeline in comparison with Sora’s playthrough. IF ONLY THERE WAS A CUTSCENE THAT COULD TELL US.~

 **Zexion:** Le gasp! Oh…Oh, crap baskets.

 **Lexaeus:** *Apparates in* Vexen is now the dead.

 **Zexion:** I know, I can only smell burning flesh where his scent used to be. Damn that Axel. I don’t like the idea of our comrades turning on each other like that. We’re all supposed to be a team…I’m not sure who to trust now…

 **Lexaeus:** We’ve got another problem. Sora kicked Vexen’s ass, and Naminé still has him under her control.

 **Zexion:** He’s too strong for us, isn’t he?

 **Lexaeus:** That and the boss still needs him for something, I guess, even though we have Roxas and Xion. Guess it’s always good to have a backup. Also I think he wants those two to remain pure, or as pure as a Nobody and a clone can get, while he experiments with turning Sora to the darkness. I think he values that even more overall, actually.

 **Zexion:** …Or we could just get Riku to go along for the ride.

 **Lexaeus:** That too.

~And now let’s immediately fight one of these guys I guess! BUT FIRST!~

 **Riku:** *pulls out Halloween Town card* There’s only one left…Am I really almost done with my half of the game already? This is a short-ass game! I wonder if this counts as my redemption arc…Giving the players the option to play as me for basically a game will definitely endear me more to them if nothing else… *uses Halloween Town card* Damn it, I wanted a costume. At least my hair and clothes have a weird texture and aren’t as bright anymore, that’s something I guess…MERLIN’S PANTS IT’S SO NICE TO HAVE A DECENT DECK AGAIN SUDDENLY THIS IS ACTUALLY FUN AGAIN IMMA LEVEL UP IN HERE FOREVER. *eventually goes to tackle Oogie Boogie once the boredom hits*

 **Oogie Boogie:** You’re joking! You’re joking! I can’t believe my eyes! You’re joking! You’re joking! This can’t be the right guy!

 **Riku:** I tire of this. *kills him and climbs out*  
 _In my tiiiiiiime there’ll be no one eeeeeelse…_  
*opens door* Holy balls that guy’s huge.

 **Lexaeus:** I have an axe.

 **Riku:** …That’s nice for you. Also you smell like irises. You must be one of the Nobodies I’m somehow aware of now.

 **Lexaeus:** You’ve done pretty well thus far. Only some people mind replaying the entire game over again as a different character; the rest like you well enough that this isn’t too much of a chore for them. I just see it as wasteful that you have all of this raw talent and yet refuse to use it.

 **Riku:** I. Do. Not. Want. To. Become. A villain. Why is that so hard for you people to wrap your heads around?!

 **Lexaeus:** What do you mean “You people”? C’mon, you’re able to control darkness to your will! You should be able to handle this no problem, and yet you shy away from the opportunity every time!

 **Riku:** …You’ve been creepily watching my progress thus far, right?

 **Lexaeus:** Yes?

 **Riku:** Then have you _noticed_ how much I use my dark form to fight dudes? It’s a lot. I know I can control it, but short bursts with King Mickey’s help is all I want to roll with. I don’t want to go any farther than that.

 **Lexaeus:** Well then I guess I’ll just have to kill ya. *starts crackling with sexual energy*

 **Riku:** IT’S OVERWHELMING!

 **Lexaeus:** I refuse to lose to an infant like you!

 **Riku:** I’m not infantile! I pee-pee like a big boy!

 **Lexaeus:** …I’m sure you do. Also my name’s Lexaeus. Nice to meet you.

 **Riku:** Right back at ya, I’m Riku.

 **Lexaeus:** Yes, I know who you are. Now stop running away from the darkness.

 **Riku:** No.

 **Lexaeus:** Okay. *lifts axe in preparation for battle*

 **Riku:** …Wow, you can lift that thing with one hand?

 **Lexaeus:** Yep.

 **Riku:** That’s…That’s pretty badass, not gonna lie.

 **Lexaeus:** Why thank you. *…isn’t actually that tough, though that could be the overleveling*

 **Riku:** Fuggit. *turns to dark mode or whatever* DARK FIRAGA AND DARK BREAK FOR THE WIN.

 **Lexaeus:** Oh poopie. *is defeated*

 **Riku:** *takes his card* …I can’t believe I beat you, but I did beat you. And now I kill you. *leaps into the air to deliver a finishing blow*

 **Lexaeus:** STOP MOCKING ME. *bashes Riku with his axe*

 **Riku:** _That_ was the ceiling. And _that_ was the floor. Oooowww…

 **Lexaeus:** …Wonder why I didn’t do that to begin with. Oh well, this problem’s over now. *starts walking forward to finish him off*

 **Riku:** *starts crackling with sexual energy himself*

 **Lexaeus:** …Dafuq?

 **Riku:** *changes into his evil outfit*

 **Lexaeus:** *jerks back in surprise* Crap baskets! Despite seeing you change outfits like that during the actual fight, I am in complete shock!

 **Riku:** *gets to his feet and dashes behind Lexaeus, slashing through him in the process*

 **Lexaeus:** *drops his axe* …OW?!

 **Rikusem:** The bigger they are…

 **Lexaeus:** *staggers* Oh hey, you’re being possessed by the Superior’s Heartless. That’s awesome. And now I’m dying. Have fun fighting this guy, Zexion! *dies horribly*

 **Rikusem:** HA HA!

~Meanwhile, in a black abyss of darkness…~

 **Ansem:** I see you now…clearly.

 **Riku:** Why, is the rain gone?

 **Ansem:** Dine on a dong.

 **Riku:** I don’t want to. *gets up as best he can while, y’know, _floating_ * Where Lexaeus at?

 **Ansem:** Riku…I have seen your heart…and it is mine.

 **Riku:** This isn’t my heart! A heart is a large, circular, stain glass floor that shows symbolic imagery! This is just a dark abyss I’m floating in, that’s not a heart!

 **Ansem:** Yes it is. Remember me, and your true self as well. Let me into your heart…into your body…

 **Riku:** Okay, seriously, Ansem, these pedophilic undertones are getting increasingly blatant, stop it.

 **Ansem:** *chuckles darkly* You can’t help but constantly think about me, can you. You fear me. Good. The more you think of me, the more powerful my hold over you grows. Soon I’ll be able to once again take hold of your body. *appears in front of Riku* I SHALL HAVE YOU, ONCE AND FOR ALL!

 **Riku:** You mean you won’t because that’s gross?

 **Ansem:** I AM GOING TO TOUCH YOUR HEAD.

 **Riku:** I NEED AN ADULT!

 **Ansem:** _I AM AN ADULT!_

 **Riku:** *tries to avoid him but can’t*

 **Mickey:** *appears in a flash of light* I got your back, kid!

 **Riku:** Your Majesty, what’re _you_ doing here?!

 **Mickey:** Being incorporeal, as usual. *positions himself in front of Riku*

 **Ansem:** …Well you suck.

 **Riku:** *wakes up on the floor of the castle* MY BRAIN HURTS. *pushes himself to his feet* The king protected me…Your Majesty? Are you still here? Please talk to me if you are! *holds a hand to his chest* You’re inside me, aren’t you. *shudders* Nooot really into that, dude. Still, better you than him, I guess…Implications are still unfortunate, though… *goes upstairs*

~…I _am_ including a lot of singing in this one, aren’t I. Though I _did_ just see Spamalot recently, so I must just have musicals on the brain or something.~

 **Zexion:** *sings quietly to himself*  
 _I’m all alone…_  
 _All by myself…_  
 _There is no one here beside me…_  
 _I’m all alone…_  
 _Quite all alone…_  
 _No one to comfort me or guide me…_

 **Axel:** *Apparates in* HELLO!

 **Zexion:** Oh no not you.

 **Axel:** So who’d we lose so far this game? Vexen, Larxene, Lexaeus…Here’s hoping there aren’t any sequels, or there will hardly be any of us left!

 **Zexion:** And wouldn’t it be lovely if you were next.

 **Axel:** Possibly. I’ll be going before a few of the others at any rate. But not now. I already faked my death in front of Sora so I’ve got a good stretch left. I’m thinking it’ll be Marluxia for betraying the Organization in the first place. And Sora will be the perfect one to take him out in any case. *turns back around to face Zexion* So how’s Riku doing? I haven’t really been keeping tabs on him; I believe that was your job?

 **Zexion:** Well, we were going to unleash him against Larxene and Marluxia instead of Sora, but now…Now I don’t really think there’s a need for him.

 **Axel:** So something should be done. For the sake of Lexaeus’s memory if nothing else, don’t you think?

 **Zexion:** You know I’m not one for direct confrontation. Say, do you have the card representing Riku’s home planet? I just might be able to fuck with that.

~Hmm. I’m beginning to think none of these people are very trustworthy.~


	4. RUH RUH RUH! RUH-RUH-RUH RUH!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **YOU Try Owning All This Shit:** _Berserk_ Outtakes, A Very Potter Sequel, _Once Upon A Time, Hamlet, Gurren Lagann, Naruto,_ Dragonball Z The Abridged Series, _The Princess Bride,_ Cr@psule Monsters, _Harry Potter,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Monty Python’s Holy Grail, Lord of the Rings, Twilight Zone, Resident Evil,_ Code MENT, A Very Potter Musical, Super Best Friends Play, _Archer,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Meanwhile, apparently the main game just ended. Like, _just_ ended.~

 **SUDDEN EARTHQUAKE:** *is a thing*

 **Riku:** One of the only Nobodies to have more than one form and weapon has just died. Wonder how that happened.

 **Zexion:** *Apparates in front of the door* Number Nine of our Organization, and indeed one of the most powerful amongst us, Marluxia, has been murdered by your bestest friendly-friend.

 **Riku:** SORA’S IN THIS CASTLE?!

 **Zexion:** Yyyyyep! Wanna see him? _Can_ you see him?

 **Riku:** SHIT YEAH I CAN!

 **Zexion:** Have you forgotten that you still haven’t been able to shake off the various powers of darkness and also still occasionally get possessed by Ansem? Do you really think Sora will welcome you back with open arms after everything you’ve done?

 **Riku:** …Maybe?

 **Zexion:** Sora’s destiny requires that he fight everyone who might be in the least bit dark. That means you, buddy. Go talk to him if you don’t believe me. *throws him the Destiny Islands card*

 **Riku:** My home planet?

 **Zexion:** How intelligent you are. Disapparate!

 **Riku:** Ah, magic! *uses card immediately and finds himself sitting on his favorite perch on that one bent palm tree, staring out at the water* Man, I never thought how much I’d miss this place…There was a time that Terra basically implanted in me a desperate desire to get off this shithole. And now I can’t believe how much I love this place. Usually the worlds within this castle are all spliced up into different rooms that only vaguely resemble the original world, but this looks exactly the same, it’s nice. And the music’s a lot slower and more soothing, well befitting a soft ocean breeze, I like it. *jumps down and looks over at the dock where Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka are chillaxing* Oh no, not them. *groans audibly* Fuck it. *runs all the way over to them* Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka! What’re _you_ doing here?! And why aren’t you being as ear-splittingly annoying as you always are. Usually you’re so obnoxious I want to take Sora’s and my old wooden swords and shove them in my ears that I may be spared your grating nails-on-a-chalkboard voices and personalities.

 **Tidus and Wakka:** *turn to stare at him*

 **Selphie:** *keeps staring at the ocean*

 **Riku:** … *head tilt* Okay…?

 **Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka:** *dissolve into golden light*

 **Riku:** OH THANK MERLIN.

 **World level:** *returns to being the same as all other world levels*

 **Riku:** …And that put an end to that. *checks current floor plan* …Looks basically like Sora’s Castle Oblivion floor plan on a much smaller scale. Once again, I feel like I’ll be repeating rooms to level up. *repeats rooms to level up before using the Key to Beginnings* And now I’m back where I started with this level. Why.

 **Kairi:** *is standing behind him*

 **Riku:** Kairi…You kinda stuttered into place there. Are you an illusion constructed from my memories, too? Will you at least be nice to me?

 **Kairi:** *dissolves into golden light*

 **Riku:** …Of course not. Well at least my parents aren’t getting the same treatment…

 **Zexion:** You had parents?

 **Riku:** EXCLAMATION POINT!

 **Zexion:** Don’t forget, you can only be greeted with beings of darkness in this castle.

 **Riku:** So why did Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka disappear?

 **Zexion:** Shut up, all of your memories of this place are gone. Because apparently you also have the amnesia gimmick now.

 **Riku:** …No, I really don’t. I remember everything about these islands. I even remember that Sora had me beat at a hundred to three, though those wins were just one fight and ninety-nine races. And he and Kairi are my bestest friendly-friends!

 **Zexion:** Which is why you threw all of your friends away.

 **Riku:** Well can you really blame me for throwing away Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka? Hell, how do we know _they_ weren’t dark themselves? That cowlick of Wakka’s could only have been held up by the most powerful darkness, there’s no way the power of light would support anything that foul! Also Tidus is the son of fucking Sin, and Selphie literally has the power to control _THE DEVIL._ How am _I_ darker than her?!

 **Zexion:** Well, you _did_ blow up your home planet.

 **Riku:** No, that was the Heartless and your original boss who did that—Why did everything fade to black and why is the planet now exploding and why are we suddenly fully voiced and animated.

 **Zexion:** Because I’m trying to remind you that this is all your fault. Not only was your planet destroyed, but pretty much everyone except you, Sora, and Kairi died in the process. And then they got better, but it doesn’t matter, you’re still a terrible person.

 **Riku:** Is that another clone of me or just an illusion of me.

 **Zexion:** You hated being trapped on this _fucking tropical paradise people would literally kill to live on_ so much that you opened the door to darkness — somehow — and invited the Heartless to wreak destruction upon your world. It’s all your fault.

 **Riku:** That’s not true! That’s impossible!

 **Zexion:** Search your feelings, you know it to be true! You are a villain, and there is never any return from that! _Villains don’t get happy endings! LOOK AT WHAT YOU TRULY ARE!_

 **Image of Riku:** *melts into the ground and rises up again as the Darkside*

 **Riku:** What? No, that’s an evolved form of Sora’s Heartless, since I never thought that lame-ass Shadow was enough anyway, but to my knowledge I never became one myself. Seriously, I expected Ansem or something. Meh. Good thing I can apparently jump higher than Sora can—okay, dude, I don’t care if I broke your card, just let me smash your fucking wrists already.

 **Darkside:** OH I AM SLAIN.

 **Riku:** *collects the card* YAY I BEAT THE THING. But the island’s still exploding… _Sora?!_

 **Sora:** My back is facing you.

 **Riku:** So it is. ANSWER ME.

 **Sora:** Come and talk to me.

 **Riku:** *sees the usual pink door to plot advancement appear behind him* …Can I leave?

 **Sora:** Maaaayyybeee…

 **Riku:** *tries leaving and finds himself in the tropical paradise again* …Did I just fuck up…? *reenters the exploding planet* OH! Okay, that’s awesome. So do I wanna level up…Eh, 80’s fine. *runs up to talk to Sora* ‘Sup, nerd—WHOA! *narrowly dodges a Keyblade swipe* Sora, listen, the Islands are exploding around us, we should probably—

 **Sora:** SORA SMASH.

 **Riku:** *blocks Kingdom Key with Soul Eater* …He needs to sort out his priorities. C’mon, man! Just who the hell do you think I am?!

 **Sora:** I know exactly who you are!

 **Riku:** Hey Sora, your voice finally dropped! Good for you!

 **Sora:** Thanks. *jumps back and shoots Riku with a bolt of light* Yyyyyep, you’re evil now. You’re not my friend anymore. I must break you. *gathers light energy and starts to shoot it at Riku*

 **Riku:** IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! IT FREEZES! *is now floating in light* I do a lot of floating in this game, don’t I. Also I now appear to be dying. *actually fades away*

 **Kairi:** No you’re not. You’re unable to. You’re basically immortal and indestructible and other adjectives as well. You can’t be killed by light or darkness, so don’t run or fear either one. If you use _both,_ then there’s nothing you can’t do.

 **Riku:** …But I don’t wanna use the darkness.

 **Kairi:** If you are able to look at it, accept it as part of yourself without a doubt, and use that combination of good and evil within you, you’ll have your own brand of strength that no one will be able to beat.

 **Riku:** Okay, I’ll believe _you_ about the darkness because you’re a pretty girl who looks like my friendly-friend.

 **Kairi:** And now to repeat what I’ve just told you but with different words. Also remember to BELIEVE IN THE ME WHO BELIEVES IN YOU.

 **Riku:** OKAY.

 **Kairi:** Also you’ll be able to see your friends if you do as I say.

 **Riku:** I INSTANTLY BELIEVE YOU. But…would they want to see me?

 **Naminé:** Hey, I’m the one who’s actually talking to you. Kairi isn’t really here right now, can I take a message?

 **Riku:** Yes, would my friends want to see me.

 **Naminé:** Don’t you want to see them?

 **Riku:** More than anything.

 **Kairi:** *fades away*

 **Riku:** …Okay, I’ll do it. *appears in the white void again* DARKNESS! IMPRISONING ME! ALL THAT I SEE! ABSOLUTE HORROR! RUH RUH RUH! RUH-RUH-RUH RUH! RUH-RUH-RUH RUH! I DON’T KNOW THE WORDS! *changes clothes and slices through the light*

 **Sora:** … _OW?!_ *transforms back into Zexion* How the fuck did you know it was me?!

 **Riku:** Nice try with the shit smell, but the scent of irises still slipped through.

 **Zexion:** …Well this doesn’t bode well.

 **Riku:** And then I just started following the darkness that I knew would never come from Sora.

 **Zexion:** This is absurd…

 **Riku:** _You’re_ absurd!

 **Zexion:** _What?!_ Say that again to my _face!_

 **Riku:** You’re _absurd!_

 **Zexion:** THAT’S ABSURD! YOU HAVE NO HOPE OF RESISTING ME!

 **Riku:** …Is your weapon pieces of paper or something!

 **Zexion:** SHUT UP!

 **Riku:** Eh…nah. *immediately rushes in to bash him in the face* Ooh, I’m already in Dark Mode! Sweet.

 **Zexion:** True, but my book powers prevent Dark Break from working.

 **Riku:** Balls. Eh, least Dark Firaga still works.

 **Zexion:** Ow. Erm… KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU! *creates two or three copies of himself*

 **Riku:** …Dude, I’m locked onto you. The real you.

 **Zexion:** …Oh. Ow. Ow ow. _Ow._

 **Riku:** Was it your clones or part of your book that turned into EXP just now.

 **Zexion:** Not a clue. Here, have a giant red and black twister that sucks away most of your cards.

 **Riku:** That’s not good—TWO CARDS LEFT?! I have to beat him with just an eight and a zero? Damn, looks like I have to soft reset, possibly a few times, so I can figure out how to actually beat him—HOW DID I JUST WIN. HOW.

 **Zexion:** Have I…been defeated…? And did you…just clip through…my crotch…?

 **Riku:** Eurgh. *grabs card and wipes it on his skirt before pocketing it*

 **Zexion:** *is now on his hands and knees* And now you’re a being of darkness just like the rest of us, despite everything you’ve been trying to say during the entire game.

 **Riku:** And yet I refuse to work with you.

 **Zexion:** Seriously, I want to know what changed.

 **Riku:** It’s called character development, you should try it some time. Except you can’t, ‘cause I just killed you. *slices through him*

 **Zexion:** …Crap baskets. *explodes*

 **Riku:** *transforms back into his normal outfit* Huh. I guess giving into the darkness means having absolutely no qualms about straight-up murdering dudes. Cool beans. YAY THE ISLAND IS BACK TO NORMAL. Or the normal divided into rooms situation, anyway…Aww, there isn’t a ladder this time! I wanted to sing! *pouts as he jumps up all the platforms and exits the area* No one here _again?!_ I mean, I know I just beat two bosses in a row and there’s barely anyone left in the castle sans Ven I guess, but come on! *runs up the stairs*

~I make Zexion sing a lot of Spamalot, I just noticed.~

 **Zexion:** *Apparates into the darkened room he’s always in and bursts into song*  
 _I am not yet dead_  
 _I can dance and I can sing_  
 _I am not yet dead_  
 _I can do the highland fling…_  
In a loooot of pain, though. *collapses into a wall* Man, it’s almost like he combined the powers of light and dark within him in order to formulate his own unique power! INCONCEIVABLE!

 **Riku Replica:** *Apparates in with Axel* You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

 **Zexion:** *panics and throws himself against the wall*

 **Riku Replica:** I smirk at your PTSD.

 **Zexion:** …I forgot we made a clone for a second. Yo, you wanna kill your original? I’ve just reestablished to myself that I’m not particularly strong.

 **Axel:** That depends. _Would_ you like to be a real boy?

 **Riku Replica:** Kinda, yeah.

 **Axel:** Well then let’s set you up with your own unique power. That way, you can be your own self. Not a copy of Riku, not a copy of anyone else. Just you.

 **Riku Replica:** I like the sound of that.

 **Zexion:** Why do I not like where this is going?

 **Axel:** Sick. I say we murder dudes.

 **Zexion:** Can you not?

 **Riku Replica:** I strangle you now. *strangles him now*

 **Axel:** I like it when I can have other people do my murdering for me; I hate getting stuck with the icky jobs.

~…HOLY FUCK I JUST REALIZED I’M ALMOST DONE IT’S ONLY CHAPTER FOUR WHAT THE SHIT.~

 **Riku:** *gets to the next floor and immediately enters a cutscene. Which means something is actually happening. Huzzah*

 **Mysterious voice:** *asks for Riku’s attention*

 **Riku:** Oh great, who is it now.

 **Ansem:** Don’t get too excited, it’s just me. And I bet you can feel the grip I have around your heart.

 **Riku:** I thought it was just heartburn.

 **Ansem:** After you’ve eaten nothing in the last few weeks if not months? Sure, we’ll go with that.

 **Riku:** Oh fuck off.

 **Ansem:** No. After all, you let in the darkness, which means you let in me. Soon your heart will…apparently become what is basically a black hole. I mean, obviously, right?!

 **Riku:** Huh. Probably shouldn’t’ve listened to that hallucination of Kairi then. But I’m definitely not a villain!

 **Ansem:** I’d still classify you as one.

 **Riku:** Am not!

 **Ansem:** Are too!

 **Riku:** Am not!

 **Ansem:** Are too!

 **Riku:** Am not!

 **Ansem:** Are too!

 **Riku:** Am not!

 **Ansem:** Are too!

 **Riku:** Am not!

 **Ansem:** I tire of this. _Petrificus totalus!_

 **Riku:** Oh shit. *is still standing upright with his arms and legs outstretched but he can’t move so I’m counting it*

 **Ansem:** The more darkness you let in, the stronger I become. Controlling you is so freaking easy now. I mean, I’m making you float a little! And you can’t even glide! Isn’t that exciting?

 **This ball of light, this tiny ball of light:** *floats into Riku’s chest, floats through him, right there*

 **Riku:** Tinkerbell?

 **Mickey:** No, it’s Mickey, you dildo shithead.

 **Screen:** *fades to white*

 **Ansem:** I hate your face.

 **Mickey:** I am aware.

 **Riku:** *collapses to his feet*

 **Mickey:** YAY I DID THE THING. That should keep Ansem occupied until he becomes the final boss fight for this game.

 **Riku:** …

 **Mickey:** Oh yeah, I’m corporeal now. *walks toward Riku* Sorry it took me so long to get here even though I’ve technically been helping you the whole game anyway.

 **Riku:** Are…you really…here?

 **Mickey:** *flexes his hands* Um, I think so?

 **Riku:** *punches Mickey in the face*

 **Mickey:** … _OW?!_

 **Riku:** YOU EXIST. THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVAR.

 **Mickey:** I KNOW RIGHT?! Um…

 **Riku:** *has fallen on his ass* I’m okay, it’s just…I’ve been alone in this castle apart from the constant Heartless and Nobodies…The thought of someone else, someone _real,_ actually physically here with me is…a little overwhelming. *rubs his nose where there may or may not have been snot*

 **Mickey:** Aww, this is a genuinely sweet moment.

 **Riku:** But how did you even get here? I didn’t think you could make it this far.

 **Mickey:** CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES.

 **Riku:** CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES?!

 **Mickey:** Actually, just a normal card game. While standing completely still. On. The. _Ground._

 **Riku:** _NOOOOOOOOOO_ —Can I see it?

 **Mickey:** Yep, it’s a card to Twilight Town. Found it in the Realm of Darkness.

 **Riku:** Huh. How’d you get it?

 **Mickey:** I apparently just wanted it badly enough. Which didn’t work for Aqua. For _TEN FUCKING YEARS._ _**DESPITE MAKING THIS CASTLE WHAT IT WAS, SHE COULDN’T FUCKING GET BACK TO IT IN ORDER TO ESCAPE. WHAT THE SHIT.**_ And then I could sense your heart, I guess. The card wanted you to progress through the game and knew this was the last time you would actually need a world card that wasn’t the actual castle or some other bullshit like that. *hands Riku card*

 **Riku:** Sure, let’s go with that. *gets up* OMYFUCKINGGODSOMEONETOTALKTOBEFOREALEVELTHISISAMAZING.

 **Mickey:** The power of light should keep Ansem locked up for a while.

 **Riku:** THAT WAS SUPER RELEVANT. *uses Twilight Town card* Hey, this place is nice. Too bad I have no idea what it is. Um…Your Majesty? You still here?

 **Ansem:** *Apparates in front of him* Nope. Now fight me.

 **Riku:** *raises Soul Eater, but then lowers it*

 **Ansem:** FIGHT BACK, YOU COWARD, _FIGHT BACK!_ Or surrender to your fate, whichever.

 **Riku:** I would, if you were the real Ansem.

 **Ansem:** …You mean besides the fact that I’m the real Ansem?

 **Riku:** You don’t smell like irises, therefore you can’t be him. I…actually don’t know what you smell like, but I do think that you’re the one who lead me to this place at the start of my section of the game. You pretended to be Ansem and gave me the card that got me here. You wanted me to face the darkness for some reason.

 **Ansem:** Conglaturations. *transforms into DiZ* There are some who call me…Tim?

 **Riku:** Seriously?

 **DiZ:** Nah, I’m just fucking with you. I’m known as DiZ for like the next game and three quarters or so. I’ve been watching you…

 **Riku:** Creepy.

 **DiZ:** …apparently without even knowing your name.

 **Riku:** Creepier. Who are you? I’m pretty sure you’re not Saruman, which is really saddening actually.

 **DiZ:** That’s not important right now. I need you to choose.

 **Riku:** Elaborate.

 **DiZ:** You’re a super special snowflake. You somehow contain both light and darkness inside you. You stand in the Twilight Zone.

 **Riku:** Oh fuck off.

 **DiZ:** Bite me, it’s fun. I need you to meet Naminé, and then make your decision based on your meeting with her.

 **Riku:** Who’s Naminé?

 **DiZ:** Finish the game and find out. Disapparate! *Disapparates in a burst of light instead of the usual darkness*

 **Riku:** … *head tilt* Okay…? *checks floor plan* Wha…This floor has _two_ cutscene rooms?! I haven’t seen a floor with more than one since Hollow Bastion! This…This should actually be interesting! And the music is nice and soft and the scenery is really pretty…I kinda like this place. I hope I get to experience the real thing someday. *clears out the entire floor before heading all the way back to the FIRST cutscene room, whaaaa, and finds himself standing in front of the gates to the mansion* WHAT A MANSION! Also maybe I can find Naminé here or something.

 **Riku Replica:** HOLD IT!

 **Riku:** Not you again…

 **Riku Replica:** *walks toward Riku* Looks like you doesn’t afraid of anything anymore.

 **Riku:** How can you tell?

 **Riku Replica:** Because I’m you.

 **Riku:** No you are not because I’m me, and that makes you not me!

 **Riku Replica:** How nice it must be to not be a clone, and be able to have the privilege to say that.

 **Riku:** Oh there is no way we’re doing this.

 **Riku Replica:** That’s right, I’m just a clone! Nothing about me is true! Nothing about me is real! Not the way I look, not my memories, not my homicidal tendencies, none of it! *starts crackling with sexual energy*

 **Riku:** …Uh…

 **Riku Replica:** I thought that if I started killing people, I could at least start to make a name for myself, one that isn’t yours!

 **Riku:** …Well I was possessed when I killed Lexaeus, so I guess he doesn’t count…But I _did_ sort of murder Zexion on my own.

 **Riku Replica:** No you didn’t, he was only mostly dead, I had to finish him off for you.

 **Riku:** Oh. But the intent was still there, though.

 **Riku Replica:** They’re still completely different charges.

 **Riku:** True.

 **Riku Replica:** I just thought murder would make me feel less empty inside. I thought that killing people would make them like you, but it doesn’t. It just makes them dead. But I figured that if I at least murdered you, then there wouldn’t be any confusion anymore! If I take over your life and steal your friends, maybe _they’ll_ like me and I won’t be alone anymore! If I don’t _tell_ them I’m the clone, they’ll never be able to notice the difference! *summons Soul Eater*

 **Riku:** … *summons his own Soul Eater* …Why did we just switch sides, I was in front of the gate and you were in front of the path leading away from this area, what the shit just happened.

 **Riku Replica:** I have no idea. *is eventually defeated* You’re strong, real thing.

 **Riku:** I am offended at being called a thing.

 **Riku Replica:** And what do you think I’ve been feeling this whole game?!

 **Riku:** …Fair enough, I’m suddenly feeling really sorry for you.

 **Riku Replica:** Thanks I guess. *is dissolving in a puddle of darkness* I’m melting, _meeeltiiing!_ OOOOH WHAT A WORLD…!

 **Riku:** Seriously?

 **Riku Replica:** Oh bite me, it’s fun. I wonder why I’m not afraid of death. Probably because I’m just a clone. Whatever I’m feeling now is probably as fake as my heart.

 **Riku:** …What _are_ you feeling?

 **Riku Replica:** Curiosity. What happens when a clone dies? Do we have a soul? If there is a heaven and hell, do we get to go to one of them? I know that murder will probably end up sending me to the bad place, but…It sounds better than purgatory, you know? Or just stopping… *watches bits of himself fade away above him*

 **Riku:** I don’t think it’ll stop. I like to believe there’s some kind of afterlife, and I like to believe we all get sent there, even if we just end up as abandoned fetuses under a train bench.

 **Riku Replica:** That sounds nice… *fades away entirely*

 **Riku:** …I just watched myself die. This…This is some heavy shit right here. I think I need to sit down for a bit…

 **iheartmwpp:** I actually thought Riku Replica went on to be the Data-Riku from Coded because I read the manga more often than I play the game ‘cause it’s faster and they never actually killed him off in the manga and even had an omake where he fucked off with a bunch of failed Vexen replicas and I thought him fucking off at least was canon. Whoopsidoodle-poops.

 **Riku:** *eventually heads to the next cutscene room* Toll is a total value of fifty?! Fuck this! *uses a random joker* Yay. I decrypted a door. *opens up a white room brighter than any in Castle Oblivion* I thought this place was in the real Traverse Town, what the hell’s going on—Huh?

 **Naminé:** *is hiding behind Sora’s sleep pod thing but steps forward when Riku comes in*

 **Riku:** You’re Naminé?

 **Naminé:** Uh-huh.

 **Riku:** … _You’re_ the Kairi I hallucinated!

 **Naminé:** Gwah?

 **Riku:** Never mind.

 **Naminé:** Okay then. Walk this way, please. *indicates Sora’s pod*

 **Sora:** I’m in a medically induced coma!

 **Riku:** Dude! *runs up to his pod* I haven’t seen you in an entire game! How you been, man?

 **Sora:** …In a medically induced coma.

 **Riku:** Ah. Right. *whips around to face Naminé* What’ve you done to him?!

 **Naminé:** Destroyed his entire memory, but it’s okay because I’m fixing it now.

 **Riku:** …Riiiight…

~Three hours later…~

 **Riku:** So Sora chose to forget about this place in order to get his real memories back?

 **Naminé:** Yes. That is exactly what I just finished describing to you. And you can get your memories fucked with, too, if you want.

 **Riku:** Why? I don’t have forced amnesia.

 **Naminé:** It’s not about your memories. It’s about your evil powers of evil. Because you still have those powers, Ansem’s still inside you.

 **Riku:** Phrasing.

 **Naminé:** I know how it sounds, believe me, I’ve had to live with Marluxia since I guess birth maybe. Anyway, Ansem might’ve been driven away by the king for now, but he won’t be gone forever. He’ll end up possessing you again, and hurting more people. Or I can fuck with your heart and put a tight lock on it. That way Ansem will…remain inside you, but he’ll never be able to come out.

 **Riku:** …You’re going to give me amnesia too, aren’t you.

 **Naminé:** Basically. No memory of darkness _should_ equal no darkness. You’ll go back to how you were before all this.

 **Riku:** Desperate to use any means to escape my home planet?

 **Naminé:** I never said it was a good plan, or even a flawless one. But it is an option. Whatever you decide, I’ll run with it.

 **Riku:** … *looks up at Sora* He doesn’t even look phased by any of this. Will I have a peaceful rest like that as well?

 **Naminé:** Really brings the game around full circle, doesn’t it, trying to coerce you into sleeping and basically running from your problems.

 **Riku:** Yeah. He’d always take the easier path. He’d always dump all the work with me whenever we did things together. And now I’m claiming credit for actually building the raft when that was mostly Kairi and I just brought her all the materials.

 **Sora:** Hey, I found food!

 **Riku:** You really think what little you found would’ve sustained us for more than a day?

 **Sora:** Blame Kairi, she gave me the list!

 **Riku:** Shut up, you’re in a coma.

 **Sora:** You shut up!

 **Riku:** No you shut up so I can _properly_ tell you off when you wake up!

 **Sora:** Okay.

 **Riku:** *turns to Naminé* Can you believe this guy? I tell him to look after Kairi and he’s totally just taking a nap, the lazy shitstain! But I can’t beat the shit out of him properly if I can’t remember what I’m supposed to be beating him up for.

 **Naminé:** So…You’re not gonna go with my plan?

 **Riku:** This game needs a final boss. Ansem’s Heartless again should do just fine.

 **Naminé:** But what if he beats you?

 **Riku:** Then I soft reset until I’m done?

 **Naminé:** Oh, right.

 **Riku:** You expected me to deny your idea, didn’t you?

 **Naminé:** Because most people have been denying me what I want these days. Also something about believing in the me who believes in you.

 **Riku:** I _knew_ you were that hallucination.

 **Naminé:** Yeah, about that, how’d you figure it out? The connection between me and Kairi isn’t revealed until like two games from now or something.

 **Riku:** Because you and Kairi smell the same.

 **Naminé:** …Okay, that’s not a creepy thing to say at all…

 **Riku:** I know, phrasing, shut up. *walks away* Look after Sora, tiny girl with no weapon and no way to defend herself.

 **Naminé:** Will do!

~Yeah, that seems the most responsible course of action.~


	5. RUH-RUH-RUH RUH! I DON'T KNOW THE WORDS!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **The Last Of The Things I Don’t Own:** _Berserk_ Outtakes, _Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, Gurren Lagann, Lord of the Rings,_ Super Best Friends Play, Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Archer, PT, Harry Potter,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, the Nostalgia Critic, and everything ever created/owned by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~…This whole thing really went by quickly, didn’t it.~

 **Riku:** *climbs the ladder out of Twilight Town, singing for the final time*  
 _Criiiiime, it’s the way I fly to yoooouuu_  
 _I’m stiiiiiiill in a dreeeeeaaaam, Snake Eateeeeeeer_  
 _I’m stiiiiiiiiiill in a dreeeeeeeeaaaaam, Snake Eateeeeeeeeeeeeer_  
Heh, almost just sang “Snape Eater” right there. Wonder if there are any parodies like that. Though considering the phrasing implied therein I have absolutely no desire to check. *enters the main part of the castle again*Oh, hey man.

 **Mickey:** So you didn’t choose to sleep, then?

 **Riku:** How’d you know that?

 **Mickey:** Because you’re not fucking asleep.

 **Riku:** What’s DiZ doing over there against that wall?

 **Mickey:** Looking menacing, I guess. It’s a hobby of his.

 **Riku:** Do you know who he is?

 **Mickey:** I keep getting this feeling that I should, but I just can’t tell for sure.

 **Riku:** *walks up to DiZ, who is now standing in the middle of the room* You never answered my question. Who are you?

 **DiZ:** I could be nobody or anybody.

 **Riku:** You’re a Nobody?

 **DiZ:** NEVER COMPARE ME TO THAT WRETCHED HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY EVER AGAIN.

 **Riku:** Touchy guy…

 **DiZ:** You can choose whether to believe in me or not.

 **Riku:** I only believe in the me that believes in myself. And I don’t like people who pressure others to make decisions for them.

 **DiZ:** Yet you did make a decision. Let me describe what it is.

 **Riku:** No, I know what it is. Think I made the right one?

 **DiZ:** You chose your own path, dude, I got no sway over you.

 **Riku:** Do I have your support or are you just gonna ditch me here.

 **DiZ:** Iunno. *hands him an Organization XIII cloak*

 **Riku:** What is this and why is it my size?

 **DiZ:** I took your measurements while you were asleep at the beginning of the game.

 **Riku:** Why am I taking orders from you again?

 **DiZ:** You still should, since it might help you evade the Organization after all this is said and done. You did kill at least one of their members, after all, even if it wasn’t technically you who done it. That cloak is basically an elven cloak; it will help you evade them. Because apparently it kills their eyes and noses whenever you’re around, even though Roxas will be able to physically see you and recognize that your build isn’t like anyone else’s in the Organization so I’m just talking out of my ass at this point. *looks over at Mickey* It won’t conceal this guy’s ears, though.

 **Mickey:** Hey, we need the trademark, what do you want from me.

 **DiZ:** The Organization also wear this to protect them from the darkness that threatens to devour them every time they use the black and purple portal magic-type-crap to Disapparate. Even they try to shield themselves from it. Ish. Mostly. It’s weird and complicated and no one really gets it.

 **Riku:** Whatever, I’m confronting mine in the next level and that’s all that matters now.

 **DiZ:** Then have one last card. It’s the card representing this very castle. Don’t ask me, I don’t know how shit works. Just know that it’ll draw out your darkness so you’ll be able to fight Ansem.

 **Riku:** *looks down at Mickey* Y’all ready for this?

 **Mickey:** Damn skippy! *walk away from Ansem*

 **Riku:** *receives the card for Castle Oblivion itself and sees a trophy notification pop up* …Did I just get all the cards in the game? That…was kind of lame. I expected to need more effort. Ah, well, at least this is short.

 **Mickey:** Gosh, it sure feels like I’ve met DiZ somewhere before.

 **Riku:** Yeah—Wait, where’d he go?

 **Mickey:** He’ll meet us at the end of the game.

 **Riku:** M’kay. *goes up the stairs and takes out the last world card* So…Final boss time, I guess.

 **Mickey:** I know I’ll just be a card, but I’ll still be there for you when you need my help.

 **Riku:** I might not even use your card.

 **Mickey:** Why not?

 **Riku:** I need to do this on my own.

 **Mickey:** No you don’t.

 **Riku:** There’s no point if I can’t stop him for good on my own. Although, if you could do me a favor…If Ansem wins, in the unlikely event that I don’t soft reset, he’s gonna possess me again. Kill me if that happens.

 **Mickey:** Save you if that happens, got it.

 **Riku:** …No, you’re gonna assist in my heroic sacrifice—

 **Mickey:** Villains _can_ have happy endings if they work hard enough at becoming a hero. I promise you that. Unless of course you don’t believe I’ll come through for ya. Then I’ll just sit back and eat sea salt ice cream while I watch you murder everyone in every world.

 **Riku:** I TOTALLY BELIEVE IN YOU.

 **Mickey:** Are you _suuuure?_

 **Riku:** ALWAYS.

 **Mickey:** If you say so…Oh, and I believe in you too, I guess.

 **Riku:** …Thanks…

 **Mickey:** You’d never let the darkness get the best of you. I’m sure of that.

 **Riku:** D’awww. *uses Castle Oblivion card* Cool hallway I’m running down right now. Why am I already out of breath. *summons Soul Eater* I feel like I should be making jokes about the anime/manga every time I take this thing out, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen/read any of it that I can’t remember shit anyway. Oh right, I’m supposed to be calling for Ansem. YO! SHITLORD! YOU BIG SHITBAG! YOU HUGE BAG OF SHIT! I’M SAYING THAT YOU’RE POOP!

 **Ansem:** You’re mean and I don’t like that. Come and get me, big boy. I’ll be waiting for you in the darkness at the end of this hallway that actually leads to a white room, watching from inside of you. And notice how when I say “Inside of you,” the camera lingers on your fine, fine ass.

 **Riku:** This game was made by pedophiles, wasn’t it. *checks the map* …There’s only like three rooms on this whole floor, and one of them is a cutscene room.

Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama…kun: Yes, we want this over with as much as you do, believe us.

 **Riku:** Huh. Now to use Teeming Darkness over and over and over until I get level ninety-nine.

 **Mickey:** Oh come on, fuck the trophies, let’s just get this shit over with—

 **Riku:** You forget I’ve been playing on Proud this entire time.

 **Mickey:** Oh. Carry on, then.

 **Riku:** Aaaaand done. Now to open the final door of the game. The cost’ll be some astronomical number for only green cards or something, won’t it — Oh. Thirteen. Oh I get it, like Organization Thirteen…Eh, I’ve got like three Random Jokers I’ve been stockpiling, might as well use one. *uses one and enters the Final Boss Fight* I smell irises. Ansem, fucking face me already.

 **Ansem:** *Apparates in front of him* ‘Sup. I’ve watched your progress throughout this game. I know your every move. You’ve grown ever so…mature. I think I like you even more now for that.

 **Riku:** Phrasing.

 **Ansem:** And yet I’m feeling so rejected over here. WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME.

 **Riku:** Because I’m terrified that you’ll rape me, I thought I made that pretty clear.

 **Ansem:** But we’re the same, you and I. We have so much in common. You have silver hair, I have silver hair; you have a ridiculous outfit that shows off your abs, I have a ridiculous outfit that shows off my abs; you have the powers of darkness at your fingertips, I have the powers of darkness at my fingertips; you reluctantly followed the Boruto spinoff because you couldn’t help yourself and needed to know and then actually found it pretty satisfying and better than anything Kishimoto had done in years, I reluctantly followed the Boruto spinoff because you couldn’t help yourself and needed to know and then actually found it pretty satisfying and better than anything Kishimoto had done in years; you’re actually kind of anticipating the FINAL final movie a little bit, I’m actually kind of anticipating the FINAL final movie a little bit…

 **Riku:** Look, I’m just not that into you, okay? Move on already!

 **Ansem:** You’re still afraid of the dark, aren’t you?

 **Riku:** Only after watching PT playthroughs. Which is now the only way I’ll ever be able to have access unless I get a PS4 that already has it downloaded onto it.

 **Ansem:** Yeah, Konami’s really gone to shit, hasn’t it. Good thing _our_ company never makes that mistakes and always gives the people what they want, amirite?

 **Riku:** …Sure. Anyway, we should probably fight now. *summons Soul Eater* Because, frankly, you smell.

 **Ansem:** Did you not see my final form at the end of the last game? You don’t even know Glide! There’s no hope of you defeating me, foolish fool!

 **Riku:** Yeah, still not impressed. Even when you were possessing me, Sora still kicked my ass. And yours, too, come to think of it.

 **Ansem:** So you admit that we’re both weaker than Sora, and that you are still weaker than me? Okay, I can live with that. Time to kill your soul so I can take over your body, or something. *summons all of the dark energy from the floor*

 **Riku:** …I close my eyes for one second and he transports me to the realm of darkness. What a dick.

 **Weird Heartless thing that was floating around behind Ansem that one time:** *takes a swipe at Riku, who dodges*

 **Ansem:** Yeah, got this thing back now. Also I am floating.

 **Weird Heartless thing:** You think you can step to this?! *guards occasionally and sometimes helps to basically headbutt Riku*

 **Ansem:** I’m actually really tough on Proud even while leveled up to max.

 **Riku:** Or I just suck, either way. *eventually defeats him after several soft resets* …Wait…That _was_ his final form?!

 **Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama…kun:** Told you we know you want this over with.

 **Riku:** Wow…Thanks, man!

 **Ansem:** Curses, foiled again.

 **Riku and Ansem:** WE ARE PANTING.

 **Ansem:** I have one more shot to take at you! And since this is a cutscene, you now have no hope of living through it! *shoots a purple and black energy ball at Riku*

 **Riku:** *blocks it with Soul Eater* I cut through you now.

 **Ansem:** … _OW?!_

 **Riku:** I win.

 **Ansem:** Maybe…Maybe not…I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING. THERE IS STILL A PIECE OF MY SOUL WITHIN YOU! _I WILL BE BACK!_ *explodes, covering the room with darkness in the process*

 **Riku:** Well this sucks. *is overwhelmed by the darkness* Sora…Kairi…

 **This ball of light, this tiny ball of light:** *floats down into the darkness*

 **Riku:** That you, Tink?

 **Mickey:** IT WILL NEVER BE TINK.

 **Riku:** Oh. Sorry.

 **Mickey:** Eh. And I know you wanted to do this alone, but I knew you’d be exhausted after the fight, so you won’t mind if I carried your comatose body back to the light, do ya?

 **Riku:** Well considering I used you to help heal me at least twice during that last battle…

 **Mickey:** Awesome. *bursts into song*  
 _Just keep swimming_  
 _Just keep swimming_  
 _Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming_  
 _What do we do?_  
 _We swim, swim…_

 **Riku:** Your Majesty, no singing.

**Mickey:**   
_Ha, hahaha, ho, ho, I love to—_

**Riku:** Your Majesty—

**Mickey:**   
_—swimming—_

**Riku:** Your Majesty!

**Mickey:**   
_When you WAAAAANT to swim, you want to keep on—_

**Riku:** See, I’m gonna get stuck now with that song! Now it’s in my head!

 **Mickey:** Sorry! And look, we made it to the final scene in the game.

 **Riku:** Thank Merlin. YAY A DOOR I CAN’T WAIT TO GET THE SHIT OUT OF HERE.

 **Mickey:** RIGHT?! But what do we do now, though, we’ve got a whole year roughly before the proper sequel. You wanna go back to the islands besides just to confront/comfort Xion on occasion?

 **Riku:** Not really. I know Ansem’s Horcrux is still inside me. I don’t want him to possess me again.

 **Mickey:** Nah, man, you have your own unique brand of darkness, just like you have your own unique brand of light. Until now, I thought darkness had to be eradicated no matter what, and I didn’t care who possessed it. Only after spending time with someone considered “dark” did I realize that people like you had feelings too. I deeply apologize for being super prejudiced up till now. And besides, apparently no one’s ever tried using the powers of both light and darkness before, at least not within the same person. Well, not within the same physical body—N-Not without trying to create a weapon against someone’s will—Y-You’re awesome, let’s just roll with that. And I’d like to keep hanging out with ya, if ya wouldn’t mind. *holds out his hand*

 **Riku:** *cheerfully kneels down and accepts it* I really don’t know what to say, Your Majesty.

 **Mickey:** Enough with that formal bullshit, I don’t hold with that when it comes to my bestest friendly friends! Which is why Donald and Goofy still have to call me that, but you _definitely_ don’t!

 **Riku:** Aww shucks, Mickey!

~There was once a boy and a mouse who were travelling along a lonely, winding road at twilight.~

 **Riku and Mickey:** *are now wearing the Organization cloaks*

 **Mickey:** Check it out, mine came with custom ears in the hood! Or there were ear slits in the hood, either way.

 **Riku:** That’s nice for you.

 **DiZ:** Took you long enough. Now let’s end this shlock fest.

 **Riku:** Actually, I think people might’ve enjoyed this part of the game more, even if there wasn’t as much to do—

 **DiZ:** Oh do shut up.

 **Riku:** No. What’re you gonna force me to choose between now, asshat?

 **DiZ:** Between the light and darkness of course. Check out how we’re at a literal crossroads and I’m indicating different path whenever I want you to pick something.

 **Mickey:** …Do these two roads literally lead to the worlds of light and darkness? ‘Cause there’s this girl that—

 **Riku:** Not a fan of either option. The world isn’t always so black and white. There’s always a way out. I choose that option instead. *starts to walk past DiZ on the road he was already walking on*

 **DiZ:** You choose twilight, then, leading into nightfall? Meaning eventually succumbing to darkness in the end?

 **Riku:** *bursts into song*  
 _I walk the road to dawn_  
 _The only road that I believe suits me_

 **Mickey:** Oh Christ, not a song parody…

**Riku:**   
_King Mickey’s the only one who walks beside me_

**Mickey:** *laughs* Okay, that was pretty cool. As long as you stop now.

 **Riku:** M’kay.

 **DiZ:** …I’m right here.

 **Riku:** That’s nice. I don’t like you as much.

 **DiZ:** Aww…

~Aaaaaaand credits.~

 **Screenshots of scenes from the game:** *sure are screenshots of scenes from the game*

 **Utada Hikaru:** You still love this song, don’t deny it.

 **Riku and the king:** WE ARE POSING AWESOMELY.

 **Riku:** So when do I get a Keyblade?

 **Mickey:** I think in 3D?

 **Riku:** M’kay.

 **Maleficent:** I’m included for once! YAY FACE!

 **Hades:** So is this an audience or a mosaic?

 **Jafar:** *bursts into song*  
 _I know that I’m no prize_  
 _I’m not so easy on the eyes_  
 _I can’t rely on looks to get me byyyyyyy_  
 _But ugliness permits_  
 _A man to use his wits_  
 _‘Cause pretty people never have to try…_  
 _I hear the people whisper as I walk about the streets_  
 _I know they call me—_

 **Iago:** UGLY OLD JAFAR!

**Jafar:**   
_What I call planning_   
_They call scheming_   
_What I call delusion_   
_They call dreaming_   
_Why am I the only one who sees things as they aaaaaaaaare?_

**Queen of Hearts:** JUMP TO YOUR DEATHS!

 **Ace of Spades and Ace of Hearts:** I hate it when she makes us do this… *jump offscreen*

 **Queen of Hearts:** Aw yeah, I’m awesome!

 **Riku:** …I didn’t fight you, I fought Trickmaster.

 **Queen:** SHUT UP, I’M TOTALLY A CREDIBLE VILLAIN.

 **Riku:** …

 **Oogie Boogie:** I might just split a seam now if I don’t die laughing first!

 **Captain Hook:** Oh stop that. *slashes around with his sword* You nauseating collection of SHEEP POO!

 **Ursula:** Life’s full of tough choices, innit?

 **Ansem:** I’M STILL IN THE CREDITS, BITCH!

 **DiZ:** So am I. Now isn’t that an interesting development…

 **Marluxia:** I’m not even in this section of the game! *swings his scythe around like a total badass*

 **Larxene:** I think I cameoed in a cutscene once! *slashes around with her knives a bit*

 **Vexen:** I have a shield. Fear me.

 **Zexion:** No one does. Now LOOK AT MY BOOK.

 **Vexen:** Do I have your book?

 **Zexion:** …I guess you have my book—

 **Lexaeus:** AND MY AXE!

 **Zexion:** …This is why I stay in the basement.

 **Lexaeus:** Oh bite me, it’s fun.

 **Axel:** …Am I literally the only Organization member who survived? Sweet. Now to conceal this from my comrades for the sheer fuck of it.

 **Roxas:** You suck.

 **Axel:** I know.

 **Riku Replica:** My existence is depressing. FEEL SORRY FOR ME.

 **Naminé and Kairi:** *are shown next to each other, Kairi clasping her hands behind her back and Naminé clasping her hands in front of her*

 **Tetsuya Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama:** ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS, ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS! *kun*

 **Riku:** Hey cool, Hollow Bastion again. I like this part better, I think.

 **Mickey:** No kidding. Hey, did you know this place used to be called—

 **Riku:** OH GOD HEARTBURN.

 **Mickey:** You okay?

 **Riku:** …I got it.

 **Mickey:** You sure?

 **Riku:** Yeah. I’ll get this eventually.

 **Mickey:** Okay…Hey, wait up!

 **Riku:** No.

 **Mickey:** Dick.

 **Roxas:** *walking along, passing Hayner, Pence, and Olette, all of whom have sea salt ice cream and all of whom somehow don’t even notice him*

 **Hayner:** OM NOM NOM.

 **People who actually played these games in the order they originally came out in:** WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE.

 **Roxas:** I am so close to turning around.

 **Axel:** *comes over and puts a hand on his shoulder* Don’t spoil things for the players, Roxas. Let ‘em stew and guess until KHII comes out and have them still be confused until Days. Got it memorized? *teleports them on top of the clock tower in the next shot*

 **Roxas:** Is this actually my first day here that I forgot about seven days in? *takes a bite of ice cream*

 **Axel:** You know, I think it might be. Weird, huh? *takes a bite of his own ice cream* You know, I don’t think I like this much.

 **Roxas:** Then why do you keep eating it with me?

 **Axel:** Because you like it. 

**Roxas:** Awwww!

 **Axel:** I know, I’m awesome. But I also think that it’s a kind of flavor that you can slowly get used to.

 **Roxas:** You may well be right about that, but I like the first theory better.

 **Axel:** So do I.

 **Naminé and DiZ:** WE ARE STARING AT THE POD THING.

 **Riku:** ‘Sup.

 **DiZ:** Oh hey—WHOA.

 **Naminé:** *drools*

 **Riku:** NO DRAMATIC REVEAL FOR YOU.

 **Player:** Awww, but we wanna see teh sexah!

 **Credits:** *end*

 **Player:** Well that took thirty hours less than Sora’s playthrough did.

 **Roxas:** My back’s still to the camera.

 **Hayner, Pence, and Olette:** We can finally see you, now!

 **Hayner:** Hey Roxas, face the camera finally, will you?

 **Roxas:** M’kay. *faces camera* Drink me in, slashers. *walks along the clock tower* Damn I love this view.

 **Player:** *stretches* All right, finally done with that bullshit—

 **Sora:** Wait, you gotta go back into my game and get all the new attack and enemy cards you can get now! And I know I’m maxed out level-wise but you might want to use some Roulette Room cards to pick up some more Calm Bounty cards ‘cause who knows how long it’ll take to get Diamond Dust, amirite?

 **Riku:** Not to mention you have to beat both our playthroughs on the other two difficulties now as well.

 **Player:** Why the hell would I ever do that second thing, just beating each story once unlocked Theater Mode, there is literally no reason to play the game anymore aside from the dumb trophies.

 **Riku:** But you’re _so close_ to Platinuming this one, though! How many times does that happen nowadays, considering you never go on Multiplayer and also suck at video games?

 **Player:** Well…I guess I could utterly waste an additional hundred hours on this crap…

 **Sora:** Great! Then after that you can finally beat the other two Pooh mini-games that you neglected to finish!

 **Player:** FUCK THIS, I’M DONE. *fucks off*

 **Riku:** *shakes head in disappointment*

 **Sora:** What, what’d I say?

~And now for something completely different.~

Beyond the path without you  
is a forgotten promise to keep.  
We may have walked side by side,  
but now we go on back to back.  
And though our paths may not cross,  
all paths are connected somewhere.  
When I arrive at where you are,  
we may not appear to be as we were…  
But we’ll make another promise to keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Yes I am doing Days, of course I am! Just...gimme a month or so, it'll start the first Tuesday of February at the latest, that one's complicated...** _


End file.
